


Nature of the Bond

by jadztone



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Bottom Spock (Star Trek), Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fal-tor-pan, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Halloween, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Old Married Spirk Challenge, POV Alternating, Pon Farr, Sharing a Bed, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Switching, Temporary Amnesia, Thanksgiving, Top Spock, moodboard, the pon farr is very consensual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 15:02:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16663045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadztone/pseuds/jadztone
Summary: Just before they are to head back to Earth after the fal-tor-pan, Spock detects that he has a bond with Jim. Still having gaps in his memory, he attempts to analyze the nature of the bond.  Spock concludes that he and Jim are bondmates, and says as much in front of Starfleet brass.  Jim is shocked, but goes along with it out of fear that Starfleet would declare Spock unfit for duty.  After telling Spock the truth, they agree to continue letting Starfleet believe that their bond is romantic in nature, while both privately wish that it was.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This starts at the beginning of The Voyage Home, skips the main events of the movie, and then picks up again right before the trial at the end.
> 
> Keep in mind that any canon mistakes you see from Spock’s POV may be because of his memory issues.
> 
> I sort of envisioned Helen Mirren in the role of T’Mun.
> 
> Thanks to LSPINGLES for being my beta!!

Spock entered the healing room, spotting the elder Vulcan right away.  She was seated at a small table, pouring tea out of an aged pot the same red color as the clay of the Vulcan desert.  “Healer T’Mun, I have a concern that I wish to bring to your attention.”

The healer gazed placidly at Spock.  “Speak, then.”  She took a sip of tea.

Spock was slightly surprised when his body moved into parade rest, as he might when addressing a superior officer.  He had memories of taking this stance while on duty aboard the Enterprise, but had not done so in his new body.  It felt slightly odd.  His efforts were hindered by the voluminous robe he wore, so he brought his hands back around to the front and tucked them into the sleeves. 

“I have been experiencing a sensation in the back of my cortex, the origin of which I cannot be sure.  I have a hypothesis, but no frame of reference.  I believe it may be a bond.  Not a familial bond, as I have already detected the one with my parents.  This one is different.  I would almost say it is a bondmate, but that is a conclusion that the facts do not support.  Logically, I would have been informed by now if I had a bondmate.” 

T’Mun’s brow slightly wrinkled in concentration.  “I have not been informed of one, either.  There is no record on Vulcan of you having chosen another bondmate after you were denied by your betrothed, T’Pring.”

Spock felt an un-Vulcan-like flash of irritation at the name of his former intended.  It has been three months since his katra has been restored, yet there were many memories that continued to remain hidden.  T’Pring was unfortunately one of the first to emerge. 

T’Mun’s expression turned slightly sour.  “It is possible you formed a bond not sanctioned by the High Council.  You are around humans almost exclusively.  Perhaps one of those that came here with you?  Any bond would feel stronger with proximity.”

A face sprang into Spock’s mind immediately.  He felt a strong instinct that there could be no other but this one.  _Fascinating_.  Studying his reaction, T’Mun raised one eyebrow and then her hand.  “I will have your thoughts.”

Spock went over to the bench which was used for initiating melds and reclined against the pillow.  “Proceed.”

T’Mun placed her fingers expertly onto his psi points, and closed her eyes as she murmured.  He could feel her presence in his mind, softly skimming his thoughts before delving deeper to where a bond would be if it existed.  Where Spock _knew_ one existed.  After a few moments, he heard the sharp intake of breath and then her fingers were abruptly gone. 

Spock opened his eyes and he was startled to see that her gaze held something close to envy.  “T’hy’la,” she whispered.  Spock stilled, the word sending a thrill up his spine.  “You do indeed have a bond, Spock.  One of the most ancient and revered bonds that it is possible for a Vulcan to have.  And yes, it is with him.  The one who occupies your thoughts.”

Admiral Kirk, his mind supplied.  _Jim_.  “I do not understand why he has not told me.  The admiral is, as the humans would say, an open book.”

T’Mun’s lips pressed tightly for a brief moment.  “Kirk took very seriously the warnings that I gave to him and your other colleagues about speaking of the things of the past.”  It was true enough.  They had been told to censor much of what they say to him so as not to influence his perception of his memories as they return.  T’Mun had been firm that the process would take at least 100 days. 

“Surely this would have been too important to keep to himself.  It is wrong to deny one’s bondmate, no matter what the circumstance.”

T’Mun put her finger to her lips, thoughtfully.  “Humans have very illogical notions about bondmates in their culture.  Romance and physical attraction is very important to them.  Perhaps he is concerned you will only come to him out of obligation, even if you no longer felt a personal desire for him.”

There was no chance of that, thought Spock.  Even without all his memories, he was well aware of his attraction to his superior officer. 

 “There is another possible reason,” T’Mun continued.  “The two of you may not in fact be bondmates.  Your link to Kirk could be entirely platonic, a friendship bond.  He may not even be aware that it exists.”

Spock frowned.  “There is no such thing as a friendship bond for Vulcans, as we do not seek out such relationships.  I am aware that the crew of the Enterprise are my friends, but then I am also only half-Vulcan.”  One of the memories he recalled was coming to terms with the fact that he had friends and appreciated them.  At least, he remembered appreciating them, even though at the moment he believed such appreciation was illogical.

T’Mun raised her eyebrows.  “You contradict yourself, Spock.  You say there is no such thing as a friendship bond, and yet acknowledge that you have friends.”

Spock shook his head.  “I was speaking of the bond, which can only come from my Vulcan half.  There could be no bond with Kirk if I were fully human.”

The healer’s expression was almost a smirk.  “And there would be no friendship if you were fully Vulcan.  Which is why I proposed the possibility of a bond unique to your heritage.  Perhaps that is why this is the first time a Vulcan has experienced the t’hy’la bond in many generations.  It has been theorized that only a Vulcan who has embraced his emotions is capable of it.  The term has always been interpreted in several ways.  Friend, brother, lover.  It is not known whether it could mean any of the three or all together.  My interpretation has always been that the three together were what gave it vigor to endure through the war and strife of that period in our history.  But these are different times, so perhaps only two of the characteristics were necessary to give it strength – friendship and brotherhood.”

Spock frowned again.  “Perhaps,” he murmured.  He found that he did not like this possibility.  In the brief time since their discussion began, he had begun to feel sensations in his heart and in his stomach that were not based in illness.  He found that, illogically, he wanted the bond to mean something more.  “Perhaps I should speak to Admiral Kirk about this.”

T’Mun shook her head.  “I would advise against it.  If he is your bondmate and has been holding back in deference to your current condition, it may make him eager to fully reestablish the bond.  You absolutely _must not_ mind meld with him until your 100 days has passed.  There is too much of a risk that his memories will bleed into yours.  If he is not your bondmate and it is merely friendship, he will want to talk about how the bond formed, and that too may complicate your recovery.  For now, I believe you should wait and observe.  You are about to leave Vulcan to go to the Terra system, correct?”  Spock nodded.  “Good, you will be in closer proximity to your friends than you have been these three months.  Observe.  Mark the way Kirk behaves with you.  Let your memories continue to come back to you naturally.”

Spock nodded again.  After saying his farewell, he left T’Mun’s abode and began to make his way back to the home of his parents.  He found himself taking a detour, heading up one of the slanting rock formations that jutted out over the landing pad where the Klingon ship was docked.  He paused and watched as the Enterprise crew stood lined up next to the ship, perhaps discussing their imminent departure.  After a moment, Jim looked up at him, his eyes finding him unerringly.  Even at such a distance, Jim clearly knew it was him.  _T’hy’la_. 

It was difficult to believe that Jim was unaware of a bond between them, even if it was merely one of friendship.  He was a keenly intelligent and perceptive man.  He would know on a deeper level that there was something profoundly different about his friendship with Spock than any other of his friendships, including Doctor McCoy.  How much he knew, or understood, Spock could not hypothesize without more data.  He would follow T’Mun’s instructions, and observe.  In less than 24 hours, he would have plenty of opportunity for this.  He had not seen much of his friends in the past three months, immersed as he was in relearning the knowledge critical to being a functional adult and to continuing in Starfleet.

Spock decided that it would be useful to sort through the memories that he had already recovered, for any clues that would confirm or deny that he and Jim were mates.  As he turned and made his way back down the promontory, he supposed that the best place to start would be to mentally review any non-platonic interactions between himself and others.  As he ran through his memories of Leila and Zarabeth and T’Pring, it seemed as if in every case that he could recall, he did not truly want to be with any of these people, and was in fact adversely influenced biologically to pursue them.  The only person other than Jim that he recalled being attracted to was the Romulan commander.  He had not needed to _pretend_ interest in her during his mission, only his motivations.  Unfortunately, Spock’s internal chronology was not functioning, so he was not able to pinpoint when any of these occurrences took place. 

The exception was his first pon farr and T’Pring – that was a matter of Vulcan record.  T’Mun had advised him against reading any records of his past until his 100 days were up, but the memory of the pon farr was so intense and confusing that he had been unable to resist, and he looked it up.  It took place 2 years after Jim assumed command of the Enterprise.  They had known each other a relatively short time at that point, but they were apparently close enough that Spock asked him to stand with him at the ka-lif-fee.  Close enough that Spock’s blood fever had evaporated at the sight of Jim’s lifeless body.  Close enough that when Spock saw that he was alive after all, he felt overwhelming joy.  Abashed at his own weakness in searching his records, Spock had refrained from looking up any of his other experiences while on Vulcan, so he did not know with whom he shared his subsequent pon farrs.

As Spock approached his parents’ dwelling, he mentally moved on to Jim’s romantic entanglements, which were quite numerous.  He filtered out the occasions when it was obvious that Jim was flirting for strategic reasons.  There were only a small number of times when Spock remembered Jim genuinely falling in love with someone.  He debated whether to exclude Miramanee, because Jim had no memory of his true life when he married her.  But if he and Spock were bondmates during that time, Jim should have sensed him.  The bond would have vehemently objected to intimacy with anyone else.  So either that had happened because they were not bondmates, or it happened before they were bondmates.  Here is where his lack of chronology failed him again.  How was he able to use his memories to prove or disprove anything without knowing when they took place?

Spock had a memory of travelling back in time to New York City.  Of sharing a bed with Jim out of mission necessity.  Feeling frustration because he _wanted_ something to happen in that bed, but Jim fell in love with Edith Keeler instead.  Obviously this could only have happened before there was a relationship between them.  And yet he also had a memory, one he felt certain happened _before_ New York, of a moment on the bridge when an attractive yeoman was giving the captain a back massage and Jim made the assumption that it was Spock.  When Jim realized the truth, he looked embarrassed and told the yeoman to cease immediately.  Surely such an incident would not have taken place unless they were intimate and Jim only desired Spock’s touch? 

The touching.  So much touching between them.  As well as other behavior - the way they would look at each other, the sheer number of times they mind melded – all things that would be shockingly inappropriate for a Vulcan to engage in with anyone other than a bondmate. 

But then there was the kolinahr.  He felt sure that happened after their first 5 year mission together.  He could remember that he wanted to banish the feeling of loneliness and regret, but did not remember what it was he regretted.  He felt strongly that he would not have undergone kolinahr if Jim was his bondmate.  It would have been illogical to purge his emotions when he had a partner that valued them so much.  Unless bonding with Jim had proven to be too overwhelming?  Perhaps the regret was because he was unable to sustain a bond with a human and still hold true to his principles.

Spock entered the dwelling and proceeded to the room where his learning center was set up.  The computer was still paused from where he had left off earlier, when the sensation at the back of his head had distracted him enough to falter in his answers and led him to seek the healer.  He had planned to access Vulcan’s records once again to find out more about his kolinahr, but found that he preferred to go back to his training exercises.  The puzzle of Jim was proving to be taxing to his mind.  “Computer, resume testing.”

He could feel the tension leave his shoulders as he immersed himself in facts and figures, in that which is knowable and logical. Then the computer surprised him.  “How do you feel?”  He found the question both baffling and painful.  Why was it asking him this?  Why was he illogically feeling resentment that it was asking him this? 

His mother came in, drawn by the shrill sound of the computer repeating its query.  When he told her his confusion over the question, she reminded him that he is half-human and has friends that are human.  Even as he acquiesced to his mother’s words, he wondered if his hypothesis about why he went to Gol was correct.  “Mother, I know that you have been told by T’Mun not to share any memories with me.  But I also know your propensity to, as you might say, bend the rules.  There are memories that have surfaced which are confusing to me, and I very much wish to have clarification.”

Amanda clasped her hands together.  “I will do what I can.”

“It is about Admiral Kirk.”

Something in her face shifted, and he was not able to interpret it.  “James T. Kirk.  The man who brought my son back to life.”

“Mother, what are he and I to each other?”

She blinked several times rapidly, and then shook her head.  “I am sorry, Spock.  I cannot help you with this.  Maybe if you were asking about I-Chaya or that time your father and I were guests aboard the Enterprise.”  Spock did remember that occasion, and a memory of Jim and his mother chatting amiably came to mind.  His mother put a hand on his arm.  “But this…this is too important.  If you don’t remember what you are to each other, I refuse to taint your memories with information that is entirely second-hand.”

“But you can at least tell me if we are…”

She held up her hand.  “No!  Don’t even tell me your hypothesis.  I can’t guarantee that my expression wouldn’t give away the truth.  Please, my son.  You and James must work this out between the two of you.”

Spock huffed out a breath that he would never admit to being a sigh.  “As you wish, Mother.”

*

Spock reluctantly submitted to an examination at Starfleet Medical, the doctors wanting to treat any injuries he may have sustained from the ordeal of crashing into the San Francisco Bay.  Afterward, he was given a room for the night so they may continue to observe him.  Spock took the opportunity to meditate and then ruminate.

Spock had anticipated being able to observe Jim during an uneventful trip back to Earth.  Instead, he had been forced to make his observations during one of the most harrowing adventures of their experience.  In hindsight, perhaps it had been better this way.  He’d learned much more about Jim’s state of mind than he would have otherwise.

The circumstances had also triggered the return of a number of memories.  From the moment Spock boarded the Klingon ship, Jim had been frustrated by Spock’s use of the word Admiral instead of his given name.  Spock later recalled that even back in their first five year mission, he would occasionally call him Jim - even on duty.  It was also clear that Jim was the only one for whom he had ever relaxed his standards. 

Spock had been watchful when he saw Jim start to turn on the charm with Gillian Taylor.  He was unsure of Jim’s intentions, so he tested the situation.  When Jim suggested dinner, Spock attempted to withdraw from participation by claiming that he did not like Italian food.  Jim kept insisting that he did, with a look in his eyes which said two things to Spock – one, that he knew Spock was trying to back out and did not want him to.  And two, that Jim was very familiar with Spock’s meal preferences. 

Later, Spock was finally able to extract himself from the dinner (he truly had no wish to join now that he felt assured that Jim’s interest in Gillian was strategic and ultimately platonic) and went back to the ship to meditate.  Once his mind was calm, another memory surfaced.  It was a time they went to an Italian restaurant on Earth.  Based on the warm reception by the staff, it was one they went to frequently.  As they were eating their meal, Jim commented about how much he loved food prepared by chefs and not replicators, and made what he considered to be a humorous reference to his figure and how being stuck planetside was doing him no favors.  Spock had replied that it was illogical to keep referencing his body, which was just as pleasing as it had always been, when it was really his magnificent intellect, brilliant tactical skills and unparalleled leadership that were being done “no favors” by denying himself another starship commission.  Jim had stared at him dumbfounded for a full five minutes.  Spock had expected Jim to chastise him for giving such an unvarnished opinion about his career, but instead he had stuttered, “Pleasing as it’s always been?”  Spock filed this away as one of the memories that argued in favor of them being bondmates.

Probably one of the most telling incidents that had happened during their voyage was when they suffered a setback in obtaining the whales.  Jim had objected to Spock obliquely referring to it as their ‘mission.’  “Spock, you’re talking about the end of every life on Earth! You’re half-human. Haven’t you got any goddamn feelings about that?” 

Even knowing how much stress Jim was under, it had been wholly unexpected that he would say such a thing to Spock.  It was the sort of outburst that Doctor McCoy might have made, even long after he stopped believing that Spock was a machine.  But for Jim to say it…Spock had felt deeply unsettled.  After Jim stormed from the cargo room, Spock had looked at Mr. Scott and all he could think to say was that Jim was a man of deep feeling.  Mr. Scott gave him an unreadable look before he agreed.

Spock surmised that the only logical reason Jim reacted in such a way was because they were bondmates and Jim was feeling the strain of pretending otherwise.  From what Spock understood of bondmates, they did not deny each other anything, not their minds nor bodies.  Any forced separation adversely affected their mental health, especially for a very affectionate and tactile man as Jim was. 

It was not conclusive proof they were bondmates, but Spock was realizing that he would have to make the determination without all the facts.  Make the best guess that he can, as it were.  He could not wait until all his memories returned, because it was entirely possible he would never recover them all.  He would at some point have to rely on second-hand information - what Jim has to tell him when they finally discuss the matter.

Spock’s best guess, which he told himself was not biased by what he _wants to be true_ , was that he and Jim were indeed bondmates.  Based on the evidence, he believes that the t’hy’la bond formed at some point during their first five year mission, and it affected their behavior and created a deeper intimacy.  For some reason they did not take it beyond that, though not from a lack of desire on his part.  Spock deduced that this was the reason he went to Gol when the mission concluded – unrequited feelings of love that he was concerned would interfere with his professionalism as a Starfleet officer. 

He could not be sure at what point they did finally formalize their bond, but he was convinced that they had.  He remembered the moment of his death.  The intense pain he’d felt, physically.  But seeing the grief on his t’hy’la’s face had been even more painful.  He’d attempted to make him understand why he did it, that saving the lives of the crew had been worth it.  He’d also felt regret that the glass was between them, and that he’d lost the chance to touch his t’hy’la, to share the ozh’esta.  “I have been, and always shall be, yours.” 

Now that he has come to this conclusion, what should be his next step?  Clearly Jim was waiting until the 100 days were up, 5.2 days from now, to say something.  Should Spock bring it up first?  Do it as soon as possible or wait?  Spock closed his eyes.  He could feel the bond pulsing through him, drawing him to Jim.  It had gotten stronger as soon as they commenced their flight to Earth.  He would meditate on it.  The hearing was tomorrow morning, and he knew that Jim would be feeling anxiety about the outcome of it, so it was wiser to wait until afterward.  He chose not to dwell on what he would do if Jim was sentenced to prison.      

 


	2. Chapter 2

Jim watched Gillian walk away, his face tense with regret and worry.  He felt responsible for her current situation.  She claimed to not have anyone in her own time that would care if she disappeared, but that didn’t mean there hadn’t been someone in her future if she stayed.  He could only hope that she hadn’t made any significant changes to history that were now erased forever.  He was also concerned that she would not adapt well to the current time.  It would be just as much of a shock as going to the past had been to him and his crew.  He let out a sigh and forced himself to put her out of his mind.  She would contact him if she needed anything. 

He looked over at where Spock was conversing with his father, and once again felt the sharp flood of emotions that seeing him always stirred in him these past few months.  Foremost was relief that Spock was alive, which seemed to trigger the bitter grief he’d felt when he _wasn’t_ alive.  Mingled with those feelings was a keen desire to never take Spock for granted again.  Not that he’d done so before Spock’s death.  Perhaps he had by the end of their first five year mission, and paid the price for his complacency when Spock went to Gol.  But ever since V’Ger, Jim cherished every moment he was able to spend with his friend.  In recent years, their moments had been fewer as their duties on Earth only occasionally brought them together professionally.    

Now that the room was empty, Jim could overhear the two Vulcans speaking.  Spock was conveying a message for his mother.  “I feel fine,” he said in that calm, deep voice of his, and Jim felt his breath hitch.   For any human, such a statement would have been of little significance. It was very significant for a Vulcan to say.  Certainly for Spock, who has been immersing himself in Vulcan principles for the past three months. 

A thread of hope wrapped around his heart at these words.  Could this mean that Spock was finally getting back in touch with his human side?  Jim felt a stab of guilt as he remembered his sharp words to Spock when they were suffering setbacks in their rescue mission.  For it _had_ been a mission, despite Jim bridling at Spock’s use of the word.  A year ago he wouldn’t have snapped at Spock’s phrasing.  But a year ago, Spock was doing quite well balancing his Vulcan and human side. 

The last time Jim had seen Spock have such a tight lock on his humanity had been during the V’Ger mission.  Jim hadn’t handled it very well then, either.  He had V’Ger to thank that Spock’s ultra-Vulcan demeanor lasted only hours before it was demolished by his meld with the machine.  Afterward in the sick bay, the warmth and tranquility that had been in Spock’s eyes, the thrill of electricity as they held hands…  It had been the closest he’d ever felt to Spock, and it was when he knew for certain what he’d suspected for years - that the two of them shared a telepathic bond.

When father and son parted ways, Spock faltered a little when he caught sight of Jim.  He was clearly not used to Jim’s habits.  Jim always sought out his calm, logical Vulcan after anything happened that shook him to his core.  Jim joined him and together they strode out into the corridor.  When they had left the building, Jim stopped and took a deep breath of fresh air.  It was a beautiful day.  He felt a grin split his face.  “Can you believe it, Spock?  I get my own starship again!”

Spock turned to face him and tilted his head.  Jim knew what he was going to say before he said it.  “Why would I not believe it when I heard the pronouncement myself?”

It seemed impossible, but Jim’s smile grew even wider.  “Oh, Spock, I can’t tell you how relieved I am.  I thought for sure I’d be sent to jail for the rest of my life.”

Spock raised his delightful eyebrows.  “Considering that your crimes were committed on my behalf, I too am most gratified at the outcome.”

Jim bit his lip.  “Who’d have thought I’d be thrilled with the idea of being demoted in rank.  But here I am – completely ecstatic to be a captain again.”

 Spock’s eyes crinkled, and oh was it a blessed sight.  “I find myself having similar feelings about my own demotion to commander, even though it has not happened yet.”

Jim frowned in confusion, then he realized what Spock was saying.  “Commander?  Is that your way of telling me…you want to come with me?  As my First Officer?”

Spock’s adorable eyebrows came together as he frowned.  “Is there any doubt, Jim?”  His spine tingled at Spock’s use of his first name.  Jim supposed that it was logical for him to revert back to using his name, given that Spock wasn’t _currently_ under his command.  “I believe a young woman of our acquaintance once said that my place is by your side.  She was entirely correct.”

_Edith_.  Jim felt an ache at her memory, but greater was his happiness at Spock’s words.  “You _remember_.  Spock, that’s fantastic!  And I do agree with the late Ms. Keeler, Spock.  You belong with me.”  He blushed slightly, thinking of how fraught those words were, but he found it harder to care now than he would have years ago.  “When your 100 days are up, I hope to be able to talk with you about some of these memories.  That’s only a few days away, right?”

“Indeed.  It is 4.7 days to be precise.  I look forward to our discussion.  I appreciate that it has been difficult for you to hold back, and I thank you for your patience.  I do believe that most of my memories are intact at this point, though there are some notable gaps.  I also have been having trouble with the chronology of the memories.  I have refrained from reviewing official records…for the most part.”

Jim smiled tenderly.  “ _For the most part_?  Which means you peeked.  You rebel Vulcan.”   

Spock’s lips twitched, and Jim felt heat prickle against his neck, as he always did when he was distracted by those lips.  “It was only the one time.  One of my first recovered memories was a particularly distressful incident that took place on Vulcan.  I found myself accessing the records before I was fully under control of myself.”

Jim opened his mouth and then closed it again.  His immediate thought was that Spock referred to his first pon farr, and T’Pring’s rejection of him.  But he could have been referring to his failed kolinahr.  Or the other pon farr that took place years later.  That one had been almost as traumatizing as the first one.  Spock came back from that trip looking extremely the worse for wear.  Bones, who knew quite a bit more about Vulcan physiology and practices than he had the first time, theorized that the pon farr had not resulted in a bonding, which apparently makes the experience only barely survivable (as opposed to certain death if he hadn’t mated at all).  The fact that Spock never submitted the form to change his marital status seemed to bear out the doctor’s theory. 

Spock never spoke of that time. And Jim never spoke to him about how the experience had affected _him_.  It happened three years into their second 5 year mission.  He’d sensed when the blood fever had been coming on, and tried to go to Spock with the vague thought of offering himself since they shared a bond, even if he wasn’t sure it was _that_ type of bond.  But unlike the previous time, Spock was successful in keeping himself locked away until it was time to go down to the planet.  Jim had actually _felt_ Spock’s suffering as he was down there.  Not the pain, but the emotional distress.  After seeing the way Spock looked when he came back, Jim vowed that the next time Spock had a pon farr - if he still wasn’t bonded with someone - Jim would convince him of the logic of going through it with him. 

As far as Jim knew, there hadn’t been another pon farr.  Apparently Spock’s mixed DNA meant gaps longer than 7 years.  Jim realized that with Spock’s body being entirely new, there was no telling when the next one would be.  Jim wasn’t entirely sure yet whether the bond was still there, or if it had been severed at Spock’s death.  There were times when he felt…something.  Especially when they were near each other.  Though maybe that was just his deep feelings for Spock surging.

He became aware that Spock was giving him that look that said Jim was woolgathering.  He didn’t know what to say, since he couldn’t be sure that Spock remembered every distressing experience he’d had on Vulcan.  Jim was saved from having to think of something spoiler free when he heard someone calling to them.  He looked up and saw a yeoman jogging towards them.  After catching her breath, she informed them that Starfleet was hosting a reception that evening to celebrate the successful resolution of the crisis with the whale probe, and that they were to be the guests of honor.  After giving them the details of when and where, she left.  Jim sighed.  “Well, that was quick.  I’ll bet the media had something to do with it.  I guess there’s no getting out of it.”

Spock grimly shook his head.  “It is one of the less appealing duties of our rank, but a duty nonetheless.  If you will excuse me, Jim, I have some errands that I must perform.  I have already reestablished my identity on Vulcan and in Starfleet, but I still must do so here on Earth, as this is where I was living the past seven years.  It is a surprisingly arduous task to reclaim one’s life after having been officially declared dead.”

Jim’s face crumpled slightly as he recalled all the forms he’d had to fill out when he got back to Earth.  “Oh, Spock.”

“Kai’idth,” Spock said, matter-of-factly.  Unable to help himself, Jim reached out and grasped Spock’s shoulder, squeezing it.  To his surprise, Spock brought his hand up to Jim’s elbow.  “I will see you tonight, Jim.”

*

Spock entered the Starfleet reception and looked around for Jim.  He felt…restless for lack of a better word.  After he had been given a clean bill of health the previous evening, his father took him back to the Vulcan embassy for the night.  He realized that, barring other plans, he would be going there again tonight.  He did not want that.  He wanted to be with Jim.  Now that he had determined to himself that they were truly bondmates, he found that he did not want to wait another 4.1 days to discuss it with him.  He had seen the look in his t’hy’la’s eyes earlier, his surprise that Spock wanted to still be with him, to go out into the stars with him again.  He must have been feeling insecure about whether Spock wanted to continue to be bondmates. 

He may even be unsure of whether the bond is still there.  T’Mun had placed a shallow block on it so that no thoughts or memories would bleed back and forth.  It was unacceptable to Spock that the man he loves would not feel confident of his place in Spock’s life.  For Spock knew now, without a doubt, that he still loved Jim.

It had taken him awhile to recognize it for what it was, but looking back it was quite obvious.  From the moment his katra was returned to him, Spock felt that pull to Jim and had approached him immediately.  During his three month relearning process, his thoughts frequently turned to Jim.  The warmth that he felt when a memory of Jim resurfaced, compared to other good but neutral memories such as the Academy and his service under Captain Pike.  But because he’d been immersing himself in Vulcan logic during that time, the feelings were as mystifying to him as the computer’s question had been.  The bond had known, even if Spock didn’t, and it kept getting stronger as the memories came back until Spock finally detected that it was there.  It took him analyzing the bond and the close proximity of Jim during their mission with the whales to finally put a name to the feelings that had been there all along:  love so strong that he ached from it, and could no longer deny it. 

 Much as Spock appreciated T’Mun’s efforts on his behalf, he no longer felt it necessary to adhere to the 100 day rule.  Fal-tor-pan was so extremely rare that a reliable protocol did not exist for going about it, and therefore the assignment of that number had been somewhat arbitrary.

Spock would talk to Jim tonight, settle the matter between them, and if all goes well he would stay with Jim at his apartment.  He had no memories of living there with him, but he was not surprised.  T’Mun had hypothesized that more recent events would be the most difficult to recover, and she had been correct.  Currently he had only very vague recollections of his most recent time on Earth along with the details he’d been given about his teaching job at the Academy and the specifics of the training mission he’d been on when his death occurred.  

He may not recall being intimate with Jim, but he felt the yearning to most keenly.  He had seen the same in Jim, had noted the way he’d been gazing at him earlier, staring at his lips.  Spock took a deep breath and halted the direction his thoughts were taking.  Now was not the time.  He must find Jim and make arrangements to talk after the reception. 

Spock caught sight of Jim standing with three people.  As he approached, he was pleased to note that he was able to recognize all of them from either memory or Starfleet records.  Admiral Kapinski, Commodore Allen, and Captain Varek of the Vulcan Science Academy.  Jim was apparently telling a very engaging story, as they all listened with rapt attention.  He could not help but notice that the Vulcan’s gaze was inappropriately appreciative.  Spock stepped up to them, and Jim paused mid-sentence when he saw him. “Spock!” he said delightedly and reached out to squeeze his arm.

Spock inclined his head.  “Jim.  I apologize for not being here sooner.  I was caught up in what I believe humans call ‘red tape.’”  He bowed his head at each of the others in the group.  “Admiral Kapinski, Commodore Allen, Captain Varek.”

The admiral smiled and said in a jovial voice, “How wonderful to see you, Captain Spock!  I can only imagine the sort of red tape you had to endure.”  He laughed and elbowed Commodore Allen, who worked for Starfleet Personnel.

Spock inclined his head again.  “A small price to pay for the chance at life again.”

Jim squeezed his arm again.  “Amen to that, Spock.”

Spock gazed at him warmly.  “Jim, I believe you were in the middle of telling a story when I interrupted.  Please continue.”

Jim opened his mouth to speak, but Captain Varek interjected, giving Spock a sharp look.  “Captain Spock, I know that Captain Kirk is no longer your superior, but I find it to be extremely unprofessional to address him in such an informal manner in front of his colleagues.”  She turned her head to Jim, allowing herself a slight smirk as if seeking Jim’s agreement.

Spock was used to people being attracted to Jim and it did not bother him.  Somehow the fact that another Vulcan had her eye on him bothered him a great deal.  He felt the ancient Vulcan instinct of possessiveness creep over him and he found himself speaking before he had thought it through.  “I understand your motive in speaking out of turn, Captain Varek, but I must correct you in your accusation of unprofessionalism.  We are not presently on duty, and therefore it is perfectly logical that I would address my bondmate by his first name.”

Commodore Allen, who had been taking a sip of his drink, started coughing.  He spluttered, “Did you say _bondmate_?  You and Kirk?  When did this happen?”

Spock immediately realized that he should not have brought it up in this manner.  He turned to Jim, who was staring at him in what looked more like shock than surprise.  Spock felt a trickle of unease as he watched Jim attempt to school his features into impassivity.  He realized something else.  Why was the Commodore surprised about this?  If they were bondmates, surely they would have informed Starfleet Personnel.  He found himself hoping that he had not just made a terrible mistake.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Jim felt an odd sensation like every square inch of his body was prickling with icy cold and then liquid heat.  _Bondmates_?  Had Spock really just said…?! He thought at first he hallucinated it, but then Allen blurted out his question.  Spock gazed at him, both eyebrows raised as he did when he was perplexed by human behavior.  Jim suddenly realized that this had to do with Spock’s memory issues.  He wasn’t playing with a full deck, as Bones might have said.  For some reason he had come to the conclusion that they were bondmates.  It must have been the bond!  So it _was_ still there, and that was what made Spock think…  Jim glanced over at the others, who were waiting for a response.  He couldn’t tell the truth, that would be a disaster.  They would declare Spock unfit for duty.  Jim would have to leave him behind, and that was unthinkable. 

He cleared his throat and smiled at the others, forcing a chuckle.  “Commodore, I know this comes as a surprise.  I’d actually forgotten until just now that I never got around to submitting the forms about our relationship.  You see the...uh…bonding ceremony… It…it happened just before the training mission.  I was going to make the official declaration when we got back.  But then Spock…well, he died…and um.”  Jim winced at the memory, which he didn’t have to fake, and the others looked sympathetic.  He felt tears pricking and he sniffed.  “There wasn’t any point after that, I guess.  And I sure as hell didn’t want to see headlines about the grieving widower, so I didn’t tell anyone.  But now Spock is back and I’ve just been so thrilled.”  He bit his lip as he looked at Spock, whose expression was completely blank.  “Well, there you have it.  I promise I’ll submit the forms first thing tomorrow morning.  Obviously it will need to be taken into consideration when assigning my crew.”  He gave what he hoped was a happy grin, even though he felt an attack of nerves at the lies he just told.

Allen’s face cleared and then he was beaming.  “Well!  Congratulations, you two!”

Jim beamed back.  “Thank you!  Look, do you all mind keeping it to yourself for tonight?  I really want this night to be about the mission’s success, and you know how the press goes off on a tangent if they get wind of something like this.”

Kapinksi snorted.  “You’re goddamn right about that, I have no problem keeping my mouth shut from those vultures!”

Allen gave his hearty agreement, but Varek only raised her eyebrow.  “Vulcans do not lie.”

Jim forced another chuckle.  “No, but they do like to keep secrets.  It’s not like you’re going to be directly asked if we’re bondmates.”

She gave him a haughty look.  “Very well.”

He gave her his smarmiest fake smile, then turned to Spock.  “If you all will excuse us, now that Spock is here I wanted him to meet someone.  I’ll see you later.”  He took Spock’s arm and steered him through the crowd of people, nodding distractedly at folks saying hi to them.  He ducked into a corridor, pulling Spock with him.

He took a deep breath and looked up at Spock, not sure where to start.  Spock shook his head.  “I apologize, Jim.  I had not intended to reveal our status in that manner.  Captain Varek’s behavior was unseemly and I felt…compelled…to let her know that you are not available for her to pursue you.”

 Jim’s eyebrows went up.  Spock thought Varek had designs on him?  And he was being…possessive?  Wow.  Wow, okay.  He took a deep breath, and for a brief, wild moment he considered not telling the truth. Just let Spock go on thinking they were bondmates.  Fulfill every one of his heart’s desires.  But of course he couldn’t do that.  He was not that kind of man and he respected Spock too much.

“Spock, there’s something you need to know.  Look, you know I have nothing but the utmost confidence in you.  You did a fantastic job in this latest crisis with the whales.  The thing is, that you do still have gaps in your memory.  Uh, significant ones, apparently.  And Starfleet Command may get spooked by that and decide to throw the baby out with the bathwater.”

Spock’s expression was complete bewilderment at his rambling, and Jim didn’t blame him.  “Jim?”

“Spock, we’re not bondmates.  Yes, we share a bond.  But it was never _that_ type of bond.”

Spock’s eyebrows crumpled into a deep frown.  He paused for a moment, looking down, and Jim saw his hands tighten into fists.  Slowly, he asked, “We are _not_ bondmates?  But you let the others think so.  Those things you were telling them… That was not true?”

Jim nodded. “I couldn’t expose you like that.  I can’t have you declared unfit for duty, Spock.  Remember what we were just saying after the hearing?  You belong by my side.”

Spock’s frown deepened.  “You do realize that compounding my error with your lies has severely limited any possible remedies to this problem.  What do you propose we do next?”

Jim ran his fingers through his hair.  “I don’t know!  If it had been anyone but Kapinski.  Allen’s no gossip, but Kapinski will have it all over Starfleet Command before breakfast.  I’m gonna have to turn in a status form like I promised.”

Spock’s eyebrows rose.  “You mean to carry on letting people believe we are bondmates?”

“Spock, I’ll do whatever it takes.”

“But those forms are official documents, you will be perpetuating a fraud.”

 Jim lifted his shoulders.  “Will I?  We do share a bond, Spock.  Technically speaking we are bondmates.”

Spock looked pensive. “Just not _that_ type of bondmates.”

“I mean, from Starfleet’s perspective, does it matter?  The intent of declaring a relationship status is to have on record when people share a strong connection that they are committed to preserving indefinitely.  Whether or not we’re having sex or babies doesn’t come into it.  Starfleet’s not that archaic.”

Spock nodded.  “You have a point.”

Jim put his hands on his hips, looking around in case anyone else came into the corridor.

 “Look, Spock, I understand that we need to talk about this and we will.  Tonight after the reception.  Where were you planning to stay, anyway?  I know they would have sold your apartment.”

Spock placed his hands behind his back and looked down.  Quietly, he said, “I stayed at the Vulcan embassy last night.”

Jim nodded.  “Look, why don’t you come to my place?  I have a spare bedroom.  Then we can have a nice long talk.  For now we need to get back out there.  I know you’re capable of thinking about multiple things at once, so you can mingle and also give some consideration to what we should do.”  Jim held up his finger.  “As long as it doesn’t involve you resigning from Starfleet, I’m open to suggestions.  I’ll be thinking about it, too as I glad hand and fake smile this bunch.”  He huffed out a breath.  “Ready to do this?”

Spock solemnly nodded, and boy did Jim know that look.  It was the Vulcan equivalent of a hangdog expression, when Spock was deeply ashamed of his actions.  It was extremely rare that Jim got that look because Spock almost never had cause to feel like he failed his captain.  Jim could only imagine if their situation had been reversed, how humiliated he would feel if he’d made the assumption publicly that he was married to someone. 

Jim wasn’t about to ignore the fact that Spock came to this conclusion based on what few facts and memories he did have, and that he even considered it a plausible scenario in the first place.  But Jim had to set that aside for the moment.  Now he had to figure out what was to be done about this situation that would _not_ involve leaving Spock behind.  A solution that Spock would get on board with – no easy task.

Jim took Spock’s elbow and gently steered him back into the reception hall.  He didn’t even realize he was touching Spock in a proprietary manner until they were halfway through the crowd.  He dropped his hand, and wondered if this was the sort of thing that led Spock to conclude they were lovers.  Jim was always touching him, had been doing so almost from the beginning of their time together on the Enterprise.  Jim recalled that he had tried to be respectful at first, but he would find himself touching Spock out of habit since that was how he was with humans.  But Spock never protested, so Jim just sort of kept on doing it.  Spock touched him back as well, something he only did with others in emergency situations.  Suffice it to say, if a Vulcan were to gauge their relationship on physical contact alone, their behavior would be considered scandalous for anyone other than bondmates. 

Jim could only imagine the wealth of evidence from years of memories proving that Jim was head over heels in love with Spock.  He’d never been able to help looking at Spock like he hung the moon and stars, and had only hoped that the Vulcan would never understand the meaning of those looks.  He remembered being teased by Uhura for the expression on his face when he saw Spock for the first time in three years.  She also commented that Spock looked remarkably put together, saying it reminded her of the time one of her friends got all decked out to confront an ex-boyfriend at a party.  Nyota was always seeing romantic intentions that weren’t there, especially between Jim and Spock.  She would be the most thrilled that they were in their current pickle.    

Jim realized he would need to tell her the truth.  The others as well.  Bones, Scotty, Sulu, and Checkov.  Neither he nor Spock would ever want to deceive them - and probably wouldn’t succeed if they tried.  He knew that he could trust them to keep the secret.  They were the ones who understood most what condition Spock was in, and they’d already done so much for their friend. 

*

After about an hour of chatting nonsense with reporters and Starfleet brass, Jim finally spotted Bones talking to someone from Starfleet Medical.  He went up to him, whispering in his ear.  “We need to talk.  Now.”  Bones raised his eyebrows, but made his apologies to the other doctor and followed Jim out to the same corridor where he talked with Spock previously.

“Look, remember when you were concerned about the fact that Spock is still missing memories?”

Bones smirked.  “I believe I said he wasn’t working on all thrusters.”

Jim gave him a reproachful look.  “He spent three months filling his head with all the information that a Starfleet officer should know, and he proved his capabilities on our most recent mission.  I believe he is fully capable of being my First Officer.  Who cares if he can’t remember what happened on Pyris VII almost two decades ago!”

Bones folded his arms.  “Who are you trying to convince?  Me or yourself?”

Jim scowled.  “I have no intention of trying to convince anyone, least of all Starfleet Command!  And I won’t have to if we can contain our current problem.”

The doctor’s arms fell to his side.  “Oh Lord.  What happened?”

Jim rubbed the back of his neck.  Bones was going to have a field day with this.  “You know how Spock and I share a bond?  _Did_ share a bond.  Still do, apparently.”

Bones narrowed his eyes.  “Yeah, and you never knew what kind of bond it was because you were too chicken shit to talk to Spock about it.”

Jim glared at him.  “Well apparently Spock didn’t want to talk to me about it either.  Or he thought he couldn’t because of T’Mun’s rules about memory tampering.  I don’t know.  He came to his own conclusions about what the bond means.  He…assumed we were bondmates.”

Bones snorted out a laugh.  “Holy shit, Jim!  Seriously?  Oh God, how did you find this out?  Did he put the moves on you?  Oh Jesus, please tell me he tried to cop a feel Vulcan-style.”

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Bones.  He didn’t do anything of the sort.  I wish he _had_.  We wouldn’t be in this mess.  He…I can’t believe I’m telling you this.  There was this Vulcan captain talking with me, and according to Spock she was flirting with me.  Not that I could tell!  Anyway, you know how Vulcans are about their bondmates?  Remember last month how Sarek reacted when you were using your Southern charm on Amanda?”

Bones scowled.  “ _Over_ reacted is what he did.  Thought he was gonna knock my teeth down my throat.  Proved to me once and for all that Vulcans are full of shit about having no emotions.  Let me guess, Spock told the other Vulcan to back off, that you belonged to him?”

Jim bit his lip and nodded.  Bones snorted out another laugh.  “Bones, it’s not funny.  He said we were bondmates in front of Admiral Kapinski and Commodore Allen.  Of course Allen was the first to ask what the hell, he’s our top pencil pusher.”

Bones’ expression sobered.  “You’re kidding!  What did you _do_?”

Jim sighed.  “I was in complete shock.  I couldn’t call out Spock’s error in front of them, so I lied.  I said we bonded shortly before the training mission and we never got to submit the paperwork before Spock died.  I asked them to keep a lid on it for tonight because you know how the press is.  They bought it.”

Bones looked ceilingward.  “Knowing Kapinski, he’s gonna be champing at the bit to spread the news.”

Jim nodded.  “Exactly, so tomorrow morning I gotta submit the form that says Spock and I are bonded, which,” he gave Bones a hard look, “is absolutely the truth.”

Bones stared at him.  “Are you out of your cotton-pickin mind?  It may be true that you have a bond, but you know everyone’s going to assume it means that you’re Vulcan married!”

Jim waved a hand impatiently.  “So what?  Most people have been assuming we’re together for years.  The press is always asking about it.  May as well give em what they want.”

Bones sighed.  “Jesus, Jim, you really think that Spock is going to go along with that?  Now that he knows the truth?”

Jim pressed his lips together.  “He’ll do it for me, because I’ve already lied about it and he wouldn’t want me to get in trouble.”  Jim sincerely hoped it was true.  “Here’s where you come in, Bones.  I need you to not contradict me either.  And give the others a heads up.  You don’t have to lie, per se.  If asked, just say that yes we’re bonded and no you weren’t there for the ceremony as it’s a private Vulcan thing.  Got it?”

“Jim,” Bones groaned.

“ _Please_ , Bones.  Do this for me.  For Spock.  I need him.”

“Where’ve I heard that before,” he muttered.

Jim relaxed when he saw that Bones wasn’t refusing.  “Bones, you should have seen the look on his face when I had to tell him he was wrong.”

Bones raised his eyebrows.  “Heartbroken, was he?”

Jim felt his face go red.  “Of course not.  He was never in love with me.  He just made the mistake of using logic to figure out our relationship.  Probably would have felt honor bound to stay bonded with me.  He’ll be relieved once he gets over feeling ashamed at his mistake.  That’s what I was talking about with his reaction.  I could tell he was mortified.”

Bones shrugged.  “He’ll get over it.  What’s that Vulcan saying?  Kayeedth?”

Jim quirked a smile.  “Kai’idth.  ‘What is, is.’  And you’re right, he’ll get over it.  Can’t say whether I ever will.”

Bones clapped a hand on his shoulder.  “Jim, are you sure you want to do this?  It’ll seem easy at first, pretending to be his bondmate, because it’s what you actually want.  But at some point you’re gonna get resentful that it’s only pretend.”

Jim swallowed.  “I was willing to destroy my career for Spock, and that was when I thought I was only saving his katra.  This is _nothing_.”

Bones shook his head.  “You say that as if I don’t know you and that green-blooded idiot better than anyone else in this goddamn universe.  I know what the two of you want, but you’re both too stubborn to say so.  This isn’t _nothing_ , Jim.  This is _everything_.”  He raised his eyebrows as if daring Jim to contradict, then turned and walked back into the reception hall.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

As soon as he was able to without attracting notice, Spock slipped out of the reception hall and found an empty conference room.  He was emotionally compromised and very much needed meditation to mitigate the intensity of his human emotions.

He knelt in a corner, and found himself leaning against the wall for support.  This gave testimony to the debilitated state he was in, as it was expected during meditation that one should have enough control to kneel under one’s own power.

He and Jim were not bondmates.  He had been _wrong_.  And he saw now that his failure was due entirely to the bias that he had convinced himself did not factor into his conclusions.  He _wanted_ to be Jim’s bondmate, and quite keenly judging by the disappointment coursing through him. 

His disappointment was difficult enough to bear, but the fact that he had embarrassed his t’hy’la publicly was particularly disgraceful.  He wished he could blame the debacle entirely on his human side, but it was in fact the part of him that was Vulcan that influenced him to speak out sooner than he intended.  Possessiveness of one’s mate was a trait shared by both humans and Vulcans.  But with Vulcans it was as much a part of their survival instincts as pon farr, and considered just as shameful. 

So it was that both sides of his heritage failed him, and now he had put his t’hy’la in an untenable position.  It was likely they would have to play out a farce in order to avoid punishment for Spock’s shortcomings and Jim’s lies to cover it up. 

Spock closed his eyes and attempted to calm his mind, control his emotions, restore logic.  He did not have much time or he would be missed at the reception.  The media was especially interested in his ‘miraculous’ regeneration.  He was successful in focusing for half an hour before the scientist in him sought to understand where he had gone wrong in his analysis. 

He opened his eyes, and called up the memory that had been the most compelling – the moment of his death.  There was no mistaking that he had taken off his glove and placed his hand on the glass, filled with regret for so many things - wanting to touch his t’hy’la with the oz’hesta, wishing that he could have put his katra in Jim, wishing he had the strength to say more of what he felt.  “I have been and always shall be _yours_.” 

Except…except now he realized that this exact phrase was not said in that moment, but another time – in his quarters, when Jim came to tell him about the diverting of the ship to Regula I.  Spock remembered more clearly now.  After a bit of verbal sparring back and forth, he had stood up from his meditation mat, feeling the overwhelming need for Jim to understand just what he meant to him.  The training mission was the first time in a long time that they were in such close quarters, and he had found himself wanting… _yearning_ …for more than the occasional dinner out and passing each other in the hallway at Starfleet Headquarters.  Spock said the words to open a dialogue about their relationship, but Jim had either not understood or was not receptive.  Spock vowed to bring it up again another time, but then Khan came along. 

When Spock was dying, he spoke the words again, but this time said, “I have been and always shall be your _friend_ ” in a sorrowful acknowledgement that this is all they had ever been, and all they ever would be.  Because it was too late to be anything else.

It seemed too late then, because his life was ending.  But his life did not end after all.  He had another chance.  He could not give up the hope that Jim reciprocated his feelings.  His bondmate conclusion had not been just the result of examining his own feelings.  It also included his memories of Jim’s behavior as well.  Spock had amassed what he thought to be quite a bit of evidence that Jim had feelings for him. 

Earlier, Jim had been surprised by Spock’s erroneous assumptions, but hadn’t seemed repulsed by it.  Perhaps he had been and covered it up for Spock’s sake.  If the notion of being Spock’s bondmate was distasteful to Jim, he will likely come up with some other plan.  Spock would see what Jim had to say tonight when they went back to his apartment.

Spock felt a fresh wave of disappointment.  He’d wanted to stay at Jim’s home and was getting his wish in the general sense.  What he’d really wanted was to be in Jim’s bed, fulfilling the ‘lover’ part of their t’hy’la bond.  Just more evidence of how much his attraction for Jim had influenced him.  He couldn’t deny the aching desire that had flared to life once they were aboard the Klingon ship and Jim began to resume his old habit of touching Spock far more often than was necessary. 

Spock began to understand now the desperation that had led him to seek kolinahr.  The humanity in him was deeply unsettling at times.  But he’d learned more in that brief meld with V’Ger than he had three years at Gol.  He’d learned the value of that humanity and the value of what _Jim’s_ humanity gave him.   While he may not ever get to have Jim in the way that he wanted, the fact that he had a bond with him at all was too valuable to give up.  Since V’Ger, they have gone back out into the stars together on another five year mission.  When that mission was over, they made the unspoken decision to stay on Earth together, as if the tether of their bond was a short one and neither wanted to feel it stretch. 

And now there was a chance for another starship mission, and Spock saw no logic in doing anything to jeopardize that.  Jim had confidence in his ability to comport himself as a First Officer, and Spock was disposed to agree.  His only failure had been in his ability to understand his complex relationship with Jim, and that had no bearing on Starfleet procedure.  Spock valued rules, he valued procedure, and he valued Starfleet Command’s judgment _up to a point_.  There was no logic in giving an illogical group of people ammunition to make illogical decisions that would be detrimental to his and Jim’s careers. 

*

Jim gazed at Spock standing in his living room, feeling an odd sensation.  It wasn’t as if Spock had never been in his apartment before.  Somehow though, it felt much more cozy… _intimate_ …with Spock staying overnight.  And with the fact that only hours ago Spock thought they were bondmates – with all that entails – well, it gave Jim the jitters.  Like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs, as Bones would say.  He allowed himself a moment of regret for telling Spock the truth, because if he hadn’t they might have had a hell of a night ahead of them. 

He cleared his throat.  “No overnight bag?”

Spock gave him a rueful look. “It seems that what few belongings I brought with me on the Klingon ship did not survive the San Francisco Bay.”

Jim huffed out a laugh.  “That’s the second time your stuff has been destroyed on a ship this year.  Better just bring a toothbrush on our next voyage.  Speaking of toothbrushes, I guess you can use the replicator for whatever you need for tonight and then we can go shopping tomorrow.” 

Spock raised one eyebrow.  “We?”

Jim spread his hands.  “Well, I have to do some shopping, too.  I figure it’s gonna be at least a week till we get our marching orders.  Maybe longer, who knows?  Headquarters has a lot of cleaning up to do after the beating that probe gave us.  In fact…I really think you should just stay here until the mission starts.  Even if…even if you decide you don’t want to go through with my plan, it’s just the most practical solution to your housing issue.  Remember after V’Ger when we were preparing for that second 5 year mission?  You were constantly over here with all the planning we had to do.  It just makes sense given we’re going to be in each other’s pockets all the time.”

Spock raised his eyebrows and Jim suppressed a laugh at what he knew was coming next.  “Jim, our uniforms do not have any pockets at all, much less ones large enough to carry another person.”   

God, but Jim wanted to kiss him.  Wipe that sly little smirk off his face.  Instead he folded his arms.  “Well, will you stay here?”

Spock inclined his head.  “How could I refuse an offer so logically put?”

Jim gave a short nod and went over to the replicator, which was still programmed with the various types of tea that Spock liked.  He entered in the one that Spock preferred to drink in the evening.  When it materialized, he handed it to Spock.  Then he poured some of his Romulan ale that Bones had given him for his birthday just a few short months ago.  “So…speaking of my plan…”

Spock took a sip of his tea.  “I will do whatever you ask of me, Jim.”

Jim had opened his mouth to begin his spiel, and when he registered what Spock said, left it hanging open a second or two.  “What…what did you say?”  He had to tamp down on the ideas that flooded his mind after hearing those words.

Spock’s eyes crinkled. “Your plan, whatever it is, you do not have to convince me of it.  As I am about to be under your command shortly, I will say here and now that I will follow your lead to the edge of the galaxy and back.”

Jim huffed out a laugh.  “Well, I would ask if you’ll follow me beyond the edge of the galaxy, but I don’t know how much you remember of some of our adventures.”

Spock’s lips twitched.  “Indeed.  Jim, I can tell already that you have not come up with another solution in the time since we last discussed our dilemma.  You still intend to submit the forms declaring us to share a bond, under the assumption that Starfleet will not understand the distinction.”

Jim took a deep breath.  “Are you really okay with that deception?”

“I prefer to see it as taking advantage of a technicality. T’Mun will confirm there is a bond, but certainly will not go into detail about it.  For most people who may ask for such details, I will simply tell them that Vulcans value their privacy.  For the people that matter…our friends… I know you plan to tell them the truth and I am in full agreement.  Given all that they have already done on my behalf, this is but a small matter.”

Jim felt almost poleaxed at the phrase, ‘ _our_ friends.’  It implied a level of togetherness that he longed for.  An intimacy that they were about to embark upon, but wasn’t real.  “I’m so glad you’re on board with this, Spock.”  He squelched the naughty little voice that said it wished Spock was on board Jim’s cock.  Wow, the Romulan ale was apparently kicking in.  ‘Um…what about your parents?”  Ahhh, that did it.  Thinking about Sarek killed any hormonal shift.

Spock raised his eyebrows.  “I will have to tell them the truth as well.  Father would understand it is a technicality, but my mother will require that I explain.  Although…”  Spock frowned, and then shook his head. 

“What?  What is it?”

“I was thinking that my father would not care how Starfleet views our bond, but then I realized he may see it as a complication that could prevent me from bonding with someone else during pon farr.”  Spock sat down, his expression pensive.  “Jim, I do not have any memories of a pon farr other than my first one.  I have not yet reviewed my Vulcan records except for reading that incident.  By my calculations, I should have had two others before I died.”

 

Oh boy.  Jim took a very big sip of his Romulan ale and sat down next to him.  “I only know of one.  It happened during our second 5 year mission.  Since it was about a decade after your first, you concluded that your half-human physiology messed with the typical 7 year internal clock.  If you had another one after that, it would have had to have been when you were stationed on Earth.  We didn’t see each other as often, so you could have gone to Vulcan for a week without me knowing.  I’m pretty sure you _didn’t_ have one, because I think I would have sensed it.  Unless you were too far away.  I don’t know how bonds work with distance.”

Spock’s eyes widened slightly.  “Jim, are you saying that you sensed my pon farr through the bond?”

Jim nodded, his face feeling flushed.  “I could tell when it started.  And when you went down to Vulcan, I could feel your distress.  I was really worried for a bit that you were going through another kal-li-fee, but then I thought about it and there was nothing violent about what you were feeling.  It was something like…loneliness.  It didn’t make sense because I mean…how can you be lonely having sex?  I realized later when it was obvious that you hadn’t bonded with…whoever you were with.  I guess that for a Vulcan to go through that unbonded would feel pretty lonely.”  Jim clenched his fist.  “I _hated_ that you went through that, Spock.  I hated it more than anything.”  Jim stopped talking lest he bring up his vow regarding the next pon farr.

Spock sat pensively for a moment, then stood up and went over to Jim’s computer terminal.  “Computer, connect to the Vulcan archive records, level 2 authority, access code A43HB82.  Requesting all records pertaining to S’chn T’Gai Spock.”  The computer responded that it was working.  After a moment there was a beep and Spock read the screen.  “My medical record shows only two pon farrs before my death.  The second one was as you said, a decade after the first.  They had difficulty matching me with someone because I had a t’hy’la bond in place and no Vulcan would accept a bondmate who is so strongly connected to another person.  A widow was found who had no interest in a bondmate, but was willing to help me through the blood fever.” 

Spock turned off the computer screen and grasped his hands together.  “It seems that our bond is already a complication.”

Jim felt like he had a large rock in the pit of his stomach.  “Are you saying that because of this bond, you can never marry and have children?”

Spock shook his head.  “Do not concern yourself, Jim. I do not recall ever wanting that for myself.  I am a Starfleet officer and it is all I have ever cared about.  As we have established, I belong by your side.  A quirk of Vulcan biology is not going to stop that.”

Jim felt more sure than ever that when Spock has his next pon farr, it would be with him.  He remembered something he’d been thinking about earlier.  “Speaking of quirks in biology – you’re in a unique position to experience everything biologically all over again.  Any idea when your first pon farr in this new body will be?”

Spock raised one eyebrow.  “I am told that I have already experienced it.  On Genesis, while I was still rapidly growing.”

Jim scowled.  “How did you survive it without…?”  He waved a hand meaningfully.

“Mister Saavik helped me through it.”

Jim felt a shock of jealousy run through him.  “You had sex with _Saavik_?!?”   

Spock gave him a bemused look.  “Apparently.  I will never have any memory of it since my katra was not with my body at the time.  As for when my next one will happen, it is impossible to calculate.  After that first pon farr, my body continued to age at an accelerated rate.  Also, taking into account that my half-human physiology means unpredictable intervals.  It could happen six years from now, it could happen next month.”

Jim blurted out, “Do it with me!”

Spock’s eyebrows shot skyward.  “Pardon?”

Jim pressed his lips together, as if to recall his words.  “I mean…if and when your pon farr happens again, I volunteer to be the one you mate with.”  He fidgeted with his glass.  “I mean…unless you’re only attracted to females.  But that couldn’t be the case.  If you were, you would have dismissed the idea of being bondmates with me.”

Spock’s skin took on a distinctly green tinge.  “I have no gender preference.  I find that was draws my interest is a dynamic mind.”

Jim snapped his fingers.  “You told me once that you thought my mind was dynamic!  That ought to smooth the way, huh?”

Spock looked almost flustered.  “Jim, there is no need to ‘smooth the way’ as you put it when a Vulcan is experiencing blood fever.”

Jim felt himself deflate slightly.  “You’re saying any port in a storm would do?”

Spock’s brows drew together.  “Indeed.  I would be more concerned about your well being, and your continuing consent throughout the ordeal.  I am not sure I would be able to stop if it proved to be too much for you.”

Jim folded his arms.  “Too much for me?  Maybe when we were fighting to the death, but this is sex.”

Spock tilted his head.  “Jim, I have only ever seen you pursue women.  Soft…pliant...feminine.  It is unlikely you would be able to sustain desire for an aggressive _male_ Vulcan with three times your strength.”

Jim fought to keep from quipping wanna bet?  He was already half hard just from this conversation, which he couldn’t _believe_ they were having.  “Spock, most of the ‘soft, pliant women’ you’ve seen me with were during missions.  I’ve been with men before, but usually on Earth or at Starbases.  You wouldn’t have noticed because you and I rarely took shore leave together.”

Spock’s lips tightened, as if he were agitated.  “I take your point.  But I have one more counterpoint.  Going through pon farr does not automatically bond two people, as my own experience can attest.  But given that we already share a bond, mating with me would most likely deepen it to the point that we would in fact become bondmates.  I could never let you be with anyone else.  You could never marry and have children with someone else.”

Jim’s heart ached with such a tantalizing prospect.  “Well, you’re not the only one focused on your career, Spock.  As long as you aren’t jealous of my Silver Lady, I think we’d be fine.  Look we don’t have to decide this now.  I just wanted to put it on the table because we were already talking about it.”  Jim chuckled ruefully.  “Speaking of which, I’m honestly amazed at how openly you’re discussing pon farr with me.  Both times you went through it before, you were so tight-lipped about it.”

Spock inhaled deeply.  “As you can imagine, my death has changed my perspective in many ways.  I no longer see the point of withholding anything from you, my closest and dearest friend.  Especially since we are about make the entire Federation believe we are intimate partners.”

Jim huffed out a laugh.  “Oh, that reminds me.  I need to send messages to Uhura, Scotty, Sulu and Checkov.  I already talked to Bones tonight.  They need to be warned about the gossip that’s just about to hit them.  I thought maybe I’d invite them over for drinks tomorrow to explain.  You okay with having them over here?”

Spock raised one eyebrow.  “It is your home, Jim, you are free to have anyone here you wish.”

Jim shook his head.  “It’s our home, now.  California’s a community property state.”  He grinned. 

Spock gave him what could only be called a resigned look, and sipped his tea.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Spock woke up the next morning, feeling a peace that usually only hours of meditation would achieve.  He knew immediately why.  It was Jim.  Both his proximity, and his contentment.  Jim was happy to be home, while at the same time humming with anticipation of his starship commission.  He had his friends who all wanted to go with him.  He was not without troubles, but he was as close to it as Jim could get.  And Spock could feel his joy radiating through the one wall that separated their bedrooms.  He couldn’t help but wonder how his morning would be if there was _not_ a wall separating them. 

Spock took a deep breath, banishing these thoughts, and got out of bed to start his morning routine.  He wondered at the fact that he was able to pick up on Jim’s emotions.  He hypothesized that the shallow block T’Mun placed on the bond was disintegrating. It made sense – blocks are put in place when one or both parties do not want an active connection.  Spock and Jim have now acknowledged the bond between them and decided it was a positive thing to exist - especially after they discussed pon farr.

Spock was still not certain of his feelings about Jim participating in pon farr, whenever that will be.  Jim had already sacrificed so much for Spock, and now he was saying that he would go even further.  Bind himself to Spock for the rest of his life in the most intimate way it was possible to do so.  Either Jim was saying (without actually saying it) that he was in love with Spock.  Or he truly didn’t understand the commitment and sacrifice he was volunteering.  Much as Spock wanted to believe in the former, he has already failed once to gauge the nature of their relationship.  He refused to draw anymore conclusions.  Only the words from Jim himself would convince him that his once and future captain loved him as much as he loved Jim.  Until then, Spock planned to cherish every moment with him.

When he went into the kitchen, he found Jim at the small table, beaming at him over a cup of coffee.  “Good morning, Spock!  I hope you slept well.”

Spock allowed a tiny smile to quirk on his lips when Jim pushed a cup of tea towards him that was still steaming.  “It was a better sleep than I can ever remember.  Though that is not saying much these days.”  He tapped his forehead.

Jim laughed heartily, his smiling lighting up his face.  “Oh, Spock, I’m so happy you’re here.  I don’t think I realized how empty this place felt until you were in it, filling it up.  When I woke this morning, realizing you were just in the next room and I’d get to sit down to breakfast with you…I can’t tell you how content it made me feel.”

Spock sat down and inhaled the delicate spicy scent of his tea.  “It is unnecessary for you to tell me, Jim, as I already knew.”

Jim’s smile softened.  “You felt it?”

Spock gave a small nod and began to sip the tea.

Jim’s eyes were warm.  “Well, let’s enjoy the peace while it lasts.  We have much to do today.  Forms to fill out, and not just about the bond.  You, mister, need to put in your request to become my first officer.  I need to start leaning on Starfleet command to assign me a ship.  I know they’ve got a lot on their plate right now, so the only way I won’t get buried under other priorities is to bug the crap out of them till they kick me off the planet in sheer exasperation.”  He threw Spock a mischievous grin.

Spock’s eyes crinkled in fondness.  “I must converse with T’Mun, so she will know that Starfleet will be contacting her about the bond.  And I will talk to my parents as well.”

Jim sighed.  “I wish my parents were still alive.  I wouldn’t hesitate to show you off to them.” 

Spock felt inordinately pleased with this declaration.  To recover himself, he reminded Jim that they also planned to go shopping.

After breakfast, Jim went off to his study to start his tasks, and Spock went over to the computer terminal to request a video conference with T’Mun.  When she accepted the request, Spock explained to her the nature of his call.  “So, you are bondmates after all?”

Spock shook his head.  “Negative.  We never took it that far before my death.  I do not know whether we would have ever done so.  But it is clear to me now that we both cherish this bond more than anything else in our lives, and intend to nurture it.”

T’Mun gave him an intent look.  “Nurture it indeed, Spock.  Strengthen it.  Grow it.  Take Kirk as your lover and bind him to you so that when the time comes, you will burn, but not suffer.”

“I will do my best, T’Mun.  But he must come to me willingly.”

T’Mun shook her head.  “He already _has_ come to you.  A t’hy’la bond is not accomplished through mere compatibility of the mind like your betrothal bond to T’Pring.  It happens because your minds, your bodies, your hearts, seek each other with a fervor that runs as hot as the sands of Vulcan, and as deep.  You have not fulfilled the bond because the two of you have allowed your human emotions to sow seeds of doubt and fear.”  Her disapproval radiated from her eyes.  Spock merely inclined his head and bid her farewell.

When he explained the circumstances to his parents, they seemed to have a similar level of confidence that the bond would progress into something more.  Sarek reminded him that he melded with Jim when he was searching for Spock’s katra.  He experienced the level of grief that Jim was feeling.  His mother didn’t say anything, merely smiled serenely.  Spock knew the significance of that look. His mother was usually the more verbose of his parents.  When she did not have much to say, it was usually because there was much she was holding back. 

Spock spent the rest of the morning filing forms.  He was confident he would be made Jim’s first officer, so he began making a list of crew preferences.  Then he and Jim went shopping for whatever they would need in the coming days.  Spock had much more to procure than Jim, who was merely refreshing his perishables.  All of Spock’s belongings had been disposed of or sent to Vulcan upon the filing of his death certificate. 

He did not need much in the way of wardrobe, since he would be in uniform most of the time.  Meditation robes, some civilian garments that Jim insisted he should have.  Spock was amused and befuddled by how much enjoyment Jim took in choosing articles of clothing.  Most of it seemed to be in the color black, with a few pieces in blue.  When Spock pointed this out, Jim confessed that he missed Spock’s old science uniform, because those colors suited him more than red.  After that, Spock protested a little less whenever Jim picked out yet another item that he insisted Spock should have.

When they got home, they found they had received dozens of messages from well wishers and the press. Spock could not be sure if this was due to Admiral Kapinski’s gossip spreading or a leak in Starfleet Personnel.  Jim declared that he wasn’t touching any of it until the next day, and went to get ready for their friends to arrive.

 *

Spock looked around at the group of people standing in Jim’s living room and felt gratified and honored that he was able to count them as his friends.  It never ceased to amaze him the lengths they went to on his behalf.  When he mentioned this to Nyota, she gave him a warm smile and pointed out to him that he had sacrificed his life for them, so what was a little rule breaking in comparison?

Jim was laughingly describing Commodore Allen’s reaction to Spock’s declaration.  Spock took it in stride, but noticed that Pavel was glancing at him.  The younger man cleared his throat.  “Jim, do you think perhaps that maybe Spock does not find this so amusing?”

Jim beamed over at Spock.  “One advantage of the bond between us is that I’ll know if I go too far because I can feel Spock’s emotions.  _Yes_ , he does have them.  See, I can feel his irritation right now that I would dare reveal such a thing.”

Leonard scoffed, “It’s no revelation that Spock has feelings.  Sometimes I forget because he does such a damn good job of keeping them buried.  But there’ve been times I’ve seen it with my own eyes.”  He had a devilish smirk.  “In fact, most of the time when I see that Vulcan façade crack it has to do with you, Jim.”  Jim’s face reddened and he gave Spock an abashed look.

Sulu asked, “So you can feel emotions through the bond?  What about thoughts?  Can you talk to each other telepathically?  Are we going to be subjected to silent conversations between the two of you on the bridge.  Like…”  He went over to Pavel and stared at him, narrowing and widening his eyes at intervals.  Pavel nodded knowingly, wiggling his eyebrows.  Everyone laughed.

Jim shook his head, grinning.  “No, we can’t read each other’s thoughts.  Probably a good thing, Spock’s already exasperated with me enough as it is.”

Scotty chimed in.  “You know what would be really useful about that bond?  If it acted as a sort of homing beacon.  I’ve heard about some species of aliens who could tell you exactly where their family is at any given moment.”

Spock said dryly, “Indeed, that would be a useful feature given how often Jim has disappeared into thin air.”  The room erupted in laughter, and Jim grinned ruefully and shrugged.

*

When everyone had left, Spock informed Jim that he needed some time to meditate.  Jim frowned.  “What’s wrong?  You didn’t seem upset by anything tonight.”

Spock gave him a warm look.  “Meditation is required when there is prolonged exposure to any type of emotions.  It does not have to be negative.  I am feeling overwhelmed by the generosity of those who were here tonight.  I was most relieved that they were willing to participate in the deception regarding our true relationship.  But even more importantly, I was very gratified that they are confident enough in my abilities to serve under my authority in the upcoming mission.”

Jim reached out and grasped his forearm, squeezing a little.  “I have those same feelings.  Except instead of meditating I want to bounce off the walls.”  He laughed. 

Spock gave him a small smile.  “Indeed, I would be able to feel the joy radiating from you even if we weren’t bonded.”

Jim winced slightly.   “Is it too much for you?”

Spock shook his head.  “Not at all, Jim.  I only need to compensate for it a little.  Through meditation.”  He raised his eyebrows. 

Jim chuckled and let him go.  “Alright, you go on.  I’ll use my energy to tackle some of the messages.”

*

Jim hadn’t expected there to be any hiccups with Starfleet accepting the forms declaring their bond, and there weren’t.  Command certainly wasn’t going to make a fuss after Kapinski’s loud mouth alerted the press, who were having a field day – all the articles practically crowed “I _knew_ it!”  He still remembered that disastrous press conference after V’Ger when the reporters asked about him and Spock.  He’d completely panicked and said a bunch of nonsense, frustrated over the fact that he _wanted_ a relationship with Spock but had no idea where he stood with him. 

He still didn’t know where he stood with Spock, but he had a lot more hope now than he did at any point in their relationship.  For all intents and purposes, they were already in a queer platonic committed relationship with the promise of enthusiastic fucking every decade or whatever.  Of course Jim wanted more – so much more – but it was already better than any relationship he’d ever been in.  Not that there had been many. 

Jim decided that both Spock’s rebirth and this pretending to be bondmates thing were both huge blinking signs telling him that he has a second chance and he better well take it.  He’d already gotten the Vulcan version of a handshake from Spock that when he did go through pon farr, they were going to become bondmates for real.  It was possible that Spock was viewing the whole thing logically, and did not care one way or the other if his pon farr ever happened again.  It was also possible that Spock wanted this just as much as Jim.  If it’s the latter, who says they have to wait? 

In order to determine just what it was the cagey Vulcan wanted, Jim decided that he was going to woo Spock.  Subtly, carefully.  He’d already started by touching him just a bit more frequently than usual.  It was his favorite thing, after all – touching Spock.  It was easy enough with them living together, which he was enjoying thoroughly.  Seeing Spock every morning and every night, and often during the day as they worked on filling up their crew roster.  Jim knew he’d miss this once they were aboard their starship.  It was cozy, quiet, solitary.  All things that a starship was not.

But as much as he would miss their San Francisco interlude, he was beyond ready to get his hands on his assigned ship.  He continued to lean on the brass frequently, but they’d been back on Earth two months now and not a word about anything.  They used the excuse that all the starships at Spacedock were undergoing intensive diagnostics to ensure that there was no damage caused by all the electrical failures from the whale probe. 

Jim thought that was bullshit, because he knew of two starships that have already taken off on their voyages.  They weren’t building him a ship from scratch, that would take years.  Bones hypothesized that maybe adding another starship captain to the mix (when there was already one less starship to go around) had resulted in jockeying for position and Jim would just have to wait for the politics to play itself out.  Under other circumstances, Jim would have been right in there throwing elbows with the rest, fighting for the starship that he felt he deserved.  But given the leniency they’d already shown for his crimes, he was more than willing to just take what he could get. 

Finally one evening there was a message from Starfleet Command ordering Captain Kirk to inform his crew to finish getting their affairs in order because in a week they were to report to Spacedock to board their assigned ship for a shakedown cruise.  Jim felt a thrill up his spine, and a tingle of annoyance.  “ _Which_ assigned ship?!?” he growled.

Spock threw him an amused look as he sipped his tea on the couch.  “Apparently they want it to be a surprise.”

Jim gave him a mystified look.  “But _why_?  I’m not the only one irritated by all the secrecy, you know.  Scotty’s about to lose his mind.”

Spock raised his eyebrows.  “I hypothesize two possibilities.  One, they are concerned you will contest the assignment.”

Jim balled his fists.  “But I won’t!  I’ll take whatever they give me. “

Spock’s eyes crinkled a little.  “I am not sure your ego would allow you to be that acquiescent.”  Jim’s mouth dropped open in affront.  “Your ego is well earned, Jim.  You are the best captain Starfleet has ever had and you deserve the best ship in the fleet, your crimes notwithstanding.” 

Only Spock could insult him and compliment him at the same time.  Jim huffed and crossed his arms. “The second possibility?”

“The second possibility goes along with my statement that you are the best in the fleet.  You may actually be getting the best starship, and a ‘media circus’ to send you off.”

Jim wrinkled his nose.  “The Excelsior?”

Spock’s lips twitched in amusement.  “Do not tell me that Mr. Scott has prejudiced you against what is supposed to be the most advanced starship in the fleet.”

Jim grinned.  “Well, given that Scotty’s the best engineer in the fleet, I think I’ll take his word over all the hype.”

Spock gave a solemn nod.  “Your logic is sound.”

Jim glanced back to the screen again.  “You know, it really might be the Excelsior.  We’re going on a shakedown cruise before we start our mission.   Which means that whatever ship we’re getting, Starfleet isn’t sure if all the kinks are out yet.  Can you imagine the irony if Scotty has to do a shakedown of a ship that he sabotaged?”  Jim wheezed with laughter at that.  “Well, I guess we’ll find out in a week.  It’s finally happening, Spock!”  He bit his lip in an attempt not to smile too widely, and failed.  Spock’s gaze on him was fond, and it made him feel even more giddy. 

A week later, when Jim saw the word ‘Enterprise’ on the hull of the starship looming before them, he thought for a moment that he was hallucinating.  That he conjured it up because he wanted it so badly.  But when rationality returned, he realized that one of the starships had been recommissioned.  “My friends,” he said roughly.  “We’ve come home.” 

He knew his surge of emotions wasn’t really about the ship itself.  After all, it wasn’t the same one they’d spent so much of their adult lives on.  It was about the fact that it was _these people_ being on a ship with this name.  If he’d had a completely different crew, then it wouldn’t matter how much paint had been used to form those letters on the hull.  It wouldn’t be the Enterprise.  It was these folks that made it the Enterprise.  It was them that made it home.  Jim looked over at Spock.  _He_ made it home.

 


	6. Chapter 6

 When they had boarded the ship and entered the bridge, Spock watched as Jim made his way over to the Captain’s chair, an expression of anticipation on his face.  Jim was back where he belonged, and Spock took up his position next to the chair, on the right as always.  It took him a moment to define the feeling that was coursing through him and he realized that it was pride.  In Jim, to be more specific.  It was a curious thing to feel pride for someone else’s accomplishment.  He supposed it was connected to his feelings of love for Jim.  And there was some personal pride as well.  That someone like Jim - who was an exemplary person in every regard – shared a bond with _him_.  And who apparently wanted Spock to be by his side, where he was right now, more than anything else in the universe. 

Tamping down on this unseemly surge of vanity, he waited for Jim…Captain Kirk…to take his seat.  Clearly eager to get underway, he’d barely lowered himself to the chair before he was giving the order with a sly smile, “Let’s see what she’s got.”  Spock’s eyebrow raised at the unorthodox command. 

_She_.  Like all human captains of lore, Jim referred to the ship as a she.  His Silver Lady.  Jim had jokingly told Spock not to be jealous of her.  Spock understood it was a joke, because they knew each other too well for that to be an issue.  Spock had enough of his memories to know just how Jim felt about his ship.  He was also well aware of the fact that Jim _would_ sacrifice it if he had to. 

Not long after his katra was rejoined with him, Spock had been told about the events that happened after his death - Jim stealing the Enterprise and ultimately destroying it.  At the time, with his former life a fog, he had not understood the significance of it.  Now he did.  What he still did not understand was the reason for it. It had seemed logical that Jim would go to those lengths to preserve Spock’s katra and then his life if they were bondmates.  But they were not…

Spock set these thoughts aside as he went over and sat down at the science station.  They’d been given instructions for their first mission, which would be scientific in nature.  They were to head to an unoccupied planet which had been charted a century ago and determined to have dangerous flora which made it unsafe to be colonized.  The Federation wanted to know how the planet has evolved since then, presumably in the hopes that it was no longer dangerous and could be used for colonization or strategic purposes.  Normally a task for a science vessel, but assigned to them as is typical for a first mission during a shakedown cruise.  They’ll be given progressively more difficult missions as time goes on.

It didn’t take long for Spock to absorb all the data on the planet that he needed to know, and to put together a roster and task list for the away team.  Once the important duties were out of the way, he allowed himself to use a part of his mind to go back to pondering about Jim and their relationship.

The last two months that he spent in Jim’s apartment had been very pleasing.  Since that first morning, he continued to wake up peaceful and contented.  He and Jim spent a great deal of time together, both personally and professionally.  Spock never grew tired of Jim’s company, and Jim seemed to be equally at ease.  They worked seamlessly as a team, and it was frequently remarked upon by senior staff who had predicted that two people in a relationship could not work well as a command team. 

As the days passed, his memories of the previous seven years finally began to return.  They were not the fulfilling years spent with his bondmate as he had at one time hoped.  He enjoyed his teaching position at the Academy, especially when Saavik enrolled.  It was gratifying to have the young Vulcan as his protégé.  But it didn’t compare to his time aboard a starship.  Nothing could match an exploratory mission for sheer variety of experiences.  He was a scientist at heart, and field science would always be more stimulating.  Then there was the fact that he no longer worked directly with Jim.  He’d dearly missed the energy and sheer unpredictability of his leadership.

Since they didn’t work together anymore, they tried to see each other more often on personal time – lunches near Headquarters, dinners out, but more often dinner at one of their homes so they could play a lively game of chess together.  It was difficult sometimes to schedule, certainly not as easy as it had been when they lived a short distance away down a corridor.  In the year or so before Spock’s death, he had felt a sense of melancholy settle into their relationship.  For his part, Spock wanted more from Jim.  He wanted them to be closer, in every sense of the word.  He wanted to bring up the bond, but still wasn’t sure whether Jim was aware of it or would welcome it.  He sensed that Jim was unhappy as well, and attributed it to his regret that he had walked away from another starship commission.  A part of Spock wondered if perhaps Jim had the same feelings as he did, and was similarly fearful of ruining their friendship by bringing it up. 

So Spock had set about testing the waters.  As a Vulcan, Spock was not in the habit of acknowledging birthdays.  Nevertheless, he had given Jim a birthday gift which he knew he would love.  And Jim clearly loved it – Spock had seen him carrying it around everywhere.  But when they were discussing the book and Spock implied it was the best of times, Jim’s expression seemed to indicate it was not. 

The training mission and Jim’s involvement with it seemed serendipitous – they would be aboard a starship together for the first time in years.  Spock intended to make the most of their proximity.  It had been why he made his declaration to Jim that night in his quarters.  But the timing of it had been terrible.  Jim left afterward, and Spock had not known whether it was because he did not want to hear those words, or if it was because his mind was already on the urgent orders he’d just been given. 

Now here they were again, six months later, aboard another starship with the same name.  So much had changed, but Spock’s feelings were still the same.  He intended to be more forthcoming with them.  He felt, based on Jim’s behavior, that his chances were much greater for a positive outcome.  Jim had no issue with everyone thinking they were bondmates.  He had no issue with the possibility of them becoming bondmates.  He had no issue with Spock sharing his living space, seeming to adapt to it quite well.  It had certainly brought them closer, though still not close enough for Spock’s preference.  As the weeks went by, the easy familiarity led to Jim touching Spock even more frequently than he ever had before.  And it was having an effect on Spock that he had difficulty in keeping under control.

 Spock wasn’t entirely sure whether the touching was just a natural outcome of their circumstance or if it was deliberate.  He’d been wondering if perhaps he should ‘put the moves on’ Jim, but the orders finally came in from Starfleet and he decided to wait.  It would not be an auspicious beginning to their mission if his Captain was feeling awkward because he was forced to reject a sexual advance from his First Officer.  Spock would wait and continue to observe Jim’s behavior, see what kind of routine they would get into now that their living situation would be much different than it has been.

*

When their first shift was over, Spock asked Jim if he would like to have dinner with him in the mess hall.  Jim leaned in and murmured, “It would look strange if we didn’t, given we’re bondmates.”  Spock did not like that answer, as it seemed to indicate Jim felt obligated for the sake of appearances.  Jim must have sensed his displeasure, because he gave him a warm smile.  “Spock, of course I want to have dinner with you.  Let me just go to my quarters and freshen up.”  Spock gave him a solemn nod and said he would do the same.

They both went down to deck five.  Jim consulted his PADD to determine where the Captain’s quarters were.  “Oh. Oh wow.  I…”  Jim shook his head.  “Why didn’t I anticipate this?  I should have.  _Spock_.”  He handed the PADD to Spock.

Spock looked down at the Quartermaster’s roster and saw Jim’s name, and then his right next to it.  Sharing the same quarters.  He blinked.  “It did not occur to me either, Captain.  Understandable, given that neither of us have ever been married at all, much less to a fellow crew member.”

They walked down the corridor to their room in silence.  Jim entered the code and the doors swished open.  It was slightly bigger than typical officer quarters, with two computer terminals and more seating space.  Jim went over to the sleeping area and stopped in the doorway.  Spock followed and saw over his shoulder the bed with ample room for two people.  He fought to control the thrill that went through him at the sight.

Rather than irritation or dismay as Spock might have predicted, Jim seemed remorseful.  “I’m sorry, Spock.  If I had realized this sooner I would have stopped them from doing this.”

Spock raised one eyebrow.  “What reason would you have given for bondmates to have separate quarters?”

Jim grimaced and shrugged.  “I dunno, I would have thought of something.  Not every couple are sexually active.  The quartermaster should have asked instead of making assumptions.  But now it’s too late and we have to share a bed.”  He sighed deeply.  “I’m _so_ sorry.”

Spock tilted his head, frowning.  “Your apology seems to indicate that you believe I am distressed by this turn of events.  I have already told you I remember our mission where the Guardian stranded us in New York’s past.  So you know I have no objection to sharing a bed with you.”

Jim made an impatient gesture with his hand.  “But we didn’t have any choice, and I know you can be very stoic about adverse conditions.  You can’t tell me that as a _Vulcan_ , you’re okay with the loss of your personal privacy for what’s going to be the forseeable future.”

Spock’s brow cleared.  “Jim, Vulcans view privacy in a much different way than Terrans.  Terrans have always been very open with their culture and practices, but closely guard what they call their personal space.  I was witness to the phenomenon when I had roommates at the Academy.  On Vulcan, it is true that we keep most aspects of our culture private from offworlders as a form of protection against those who would take advantage.  But when it comes to living space, we are much more pragmatic.  The only ‘personal space’ that we keep private is our minds, and the only time we need to be alone is during meditation.  I did observe that the quartermaster set up an area for that.”  He walked over to an alcove, little bigger than a closet, with a meditation mat.  He pushed a button, and the door closed.   “See?  Soundproof.”

Jim took a deep breath.  “You really don’t mind?  This is a lot more snug than my apartment was.”

Spock shook his head.  “Not at all.  I am more concerned about you.  How do _you_ feel about the loss of your personal space?”

Jim smiled ruefully.  “If I’d had a problem with you in my living space, I wouldn’t have invited you to stay with me these past couple of months. As for sharing a bed…I remember New York, too.  You’re very warm…cozy.  I don’t mind.”  Jim’s face was turning red at this admission and Spock found it incredibly endearing.  He realized there might be some danger to his emotional control with this new set up.  Or would it be an opportunity?

Jim put his hands on his hips.  “Well, if you’re okay with it, then I am, too.  Roomie.” He grinned at Spock, but it seemed as if there was a nervousness about it.  Spock could only hope that maybe Jim too was worried about his ability to control himself.  Jim cleared his throat.  “I’ll just go freshen up, then.”  He went into to the bathroom, the door swishing shut behind him. 

*

Their first evening aboard the new Enterprise was spent connecting with people.  During dinner there were crew members they didn’t already know coming up to introduce themselves, and those that they did know coming up to congratulate them on their bonding.  It amused Spock that more than a few people looked chagrined that Jim was now ‘off the market,’ though a few of them did still flirt with him as if Spock were not there.  Spock felt the possessiveness stirring, but not as strongly as it had with the Vulcan captain. 

After dinner, Jim wanted to play their usual game of chess, but in one of the recreation areas.  The idea being that just like dinner they would get to know some of the crew.  After one game, Spock begged off, saying he had to go meditate.  Sulu took his place as Jim’s opponent, and Spock left them to their socialization. 

Spock found his meditation chamber to be most agreeable.  He emerged two hours later feeling refreshed and in control.  He knew he would need that control for tonight.  He went over to his computer terminal and began working on a list of possible projects for the science department, plus a few ideas that he could discuss with Mister Scott for Engineering.  There was also an issue that Commander Uhura had noted with the communications station, so he prepared a memo to her outlining possible solutions. 

When Jim came into their quarters, he let out a gusty sigh.  “I don’t have as much energy as I used to for this.”  He sat down heavily on one of the chairs.  “We have a very big crew, Spock.”

Spock swiveled around in his desk chair.  “Indeed.  And they all want to know their Captain.”

Jim smiled ruefully.  “They’ll get to know me.  And I’ll get to know them.  That’s always been important to me.  But at the end of the day I’ll be more than happy to come back here where it’s just you and me and I don’t have to be _on_.  You know what that means, Spock?  To be _on_.” 

Spock went over and sat down in the chair next to him.  “To be ‘on’ means to be Captain Kirk.”

Jim nodded.  “Exactly.  But with you I can be _Jim_.  And I expect you to call me that whenever we are in here.”  He stabbed his finger down on the arm of the chair.  “Understood?”

Spock’s eyes crinkled.  “Is that Captain’s orders?”

Jim huffed out a laugh.  “The last one of the day.”

“I am happy to obey you in all things, Jim.”

Jim’s eyes twinkled.  “That sounds like an old earth marriage vow back from when women were regarded more as property than partners.”

Spock tilted his head.  “Such vows were never spoken on Vulcan, mostly because an existence of a bond negates the necessity for them.”

Jim nodded thoughtfully.  “That makes sense.  Vows are generally just lip service anyways.  People either break them or they don’t break them.  But even in cases where they don’t break them, there’s often those that _wanted_ to break them.    The only point to vows is to instill a sense of security about one’s relationship.  The best that a psi-null race can do, I guess.  For Vulcans and Betazoids and other telepathic races, I guess you always know where you stand.”

Spock’s brow wrinkled.  “It is possible to block one’s mate in the bond.  Sometimes it is necessary, in times when a partner is in psychic distress and it is overwhelming to the other.  Otherwise it is a point of concern.”  He looked down at his folded hands.  “T’Pring had me blocked in our betrothal bond.  She found my emotions offensive.  I had no objection to being blocked any more than I objected when she challenged the bond.  That is until she chose you as her champion.”

Jim grimaced.  “ _T’Pring_.  She didn’t care a wit that you might die.  When I think of what she put you through.  Did you ever find out why she did that?”

Spock nodded.  “She had no wish to be with a half-human who worked on a starship and would never be there for her and possibly would not be able to sire her a child.  I found her logic sound and bore no ill will.”

Jim folded his arms.  “And she couldn’t have figured out a way to break it off before you went into blood fever?  If she was blocking the bond, it was obvious she never had any intention of completing it.”

Spock shook his head. “There are very few circumstances under which the Vulcan High Council would approve the removal of a betrothal bond.  Her reasons would not have been enough.  Betrothal bonds, while logical in one respect, are ultimately not practical and can do more harm than good in my opinion.  Someday I would like to make a case to the Council to consider other more viable options for ensuring successful bonds, but I am not sure how well I will be received.  Likely they will tell me that since I am half-human, I should never have undergone a betrothal bond in the first place.”

Jim scowled.  “You mean they would have been content for you to fend for yourself during pon farr?”  he huffed.  “Well, who needs them anyways?  You have me now.  And we have a great bond.  The most ancient and revered bond there is, so _ha_!”  His expression turned smug.

Spock almost felt a laugh bubble up, but he suppressed it.  “Jim, bonds are not competitions.  But I would be lying if I said that I was not gratified that we are t’hy’la.”

Jim chuckled, and after a moment his laugh turned into a yawn.  “Oh man, I’m beat.  I’m getting ready for bed.  I’d ask if you were coming soon, but I know you’ll tell me that Vulcans don’t need as much sleep.  Do you have a preference for side of the bed?”

Spock shook his head.  “Jim, you asked me that same question in New York, and my answer is still the same.  As I have only ever slept alone, I have no preference.”

Jim gave him a considering look, and opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something.  After a moment he shrugged and said, “Same configuration as New York, then.  Goodnight, Spock.”

Spock gave him a warm look.  “Goodnight, Jim.”

He watched Jim get up and go into the bathroom.  Spock stood up and went back to his computer terminal and continued with the work he was doing earlier.  He was able to fully concentrate on his task and still listen to the sounds of Jim getting ready for bed.  It was much louder here than it had been in Jim’s apartment.  Unlike Jim’s home, Spock could hear when he got into bed, the sound of the pages of his book turning, his gently whispered “lights out.”  Spock could even hear when his breathing slowed enough to indicate deep sleep.

After two more hours of work, Spock could no longer resist the pull of Jim’s breathing.  He did not feel fatigued, but he found that he wanted to sleep anyways.  To be next to Jim.  He turned off his terminal and went to get ready for bed.  When he was finished, he stood in the doorway and watched Jim sleeping for a moment.  He felt so overwhelmed with emotion that he forced himself to turn around and go meditate.

After half an hour, he had regained control and went back to the bedroom.  He slipped into bed and stretched out on his back.  After 32 seconds, Jim shifted slightly.  His hand fell against Spock’s forearm.  A spark of energy simmered at the point of contact, and Spock quickly moved his arm away.  Another 54 seconds passed, and Jim shifted again.  This time he was firmly in the middle of the bed, his torso pressed against the entirety of Spock’s arm.  Spock felt his lips curling into a smile at the tranquility radiating out of Jim.  He decided that perhaps it would be best to have his shields fully up during their rest time, as it was clear that there would be much inadvertent touching during their sleep. 

It was an interesting contrast to New York.  The bed there had been so tiny that they both instinctively held their bodies away from each other.  But here, the bed was large enough for there to be space, and Jim instinctively sought to eliminate that space.  Spock was not at all opposed to this.  It was likely he would do the same thing in his sleep.  He closed his eyes and settled his mind, settled his emotions, settled his body.  Soon he was drifting off into deep sleep, with the gratifying feel of Jim’s heart against his shoulder, and his warm breath on his ear.

*

A sharp beeping noise pierced the fog of Jim’s sleeping brain.  He was too warm and comfortable for this nonsense, he thought.  In a gravelly voice he called out, “Computer, snooze alarm 10 minutes.”  There was a chirp and then the beeps stopped.  He sighed in contentment and burrowed further into the warmth.

“It is illogical to delay your wake time by that short of an interval.  You will not go into a deep enough sleep in 10 minutes to feel more rested.”  Jim was a veteran of too many red alerts, ambushes, and strangers in his bed to startle at the unexpected voice next to his ear.  But he did shiver with pleasure at the realization that the voice belonged to _Spock_.  Lower in register and rough with sleep, but definitely Spock.  Oh yeah.  He’d forgotten.  They were sleeping together now.  The delicious warmth was Spock’s body curved around Jim’s back.  And now Jim was registering that Spock’s arm was circling his waist as if to keep them pressed together. 

Jim felt immediately self-conscious about the fact that Spock was in direct contact with that part of his body where he hadn’t been able to eliminate the softness that was slowly settling in.  “Did you just contract the muscles in your stomach, Jim?”

He shivered again at the voice.  Fucking hell, what would it sound like when he was aroused?  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I’m trying to snooze, here.”  He felt himself suck his stomach in even more, like some sort of insecure reflex.

Suddenly the warmth was gone, Spock removing his arm from Jim’s waist as he rolled away onto his back.  Jim immediately turned over to look at him, aggrieved.  “No, you were so warm!  Was my belly that…off-putting?”

Spock’s eyebrows shot up.  “You are even more illogical than usual when you first wake up.  Obviously your abdomen does not offend me or my hand would not have been drawn to it during the night.  I moved away because I must prepare for the day.  You will have to find some other source of warmth to delay the inevitable.”

Jim let out his heaviest, most put upon sigh.  “C’mon, Spock.  Five more minutes?”  He gazed at him with puppy dog eyes.

Spock’s lips threatened to quirk, which he quelled by pressing them together tightly.  “You may have 3.2 minutes.”

Jim gaped at him.  “Really?”

Spock held his arms open.  Jim barked out a laugh and immediately snaked his arms around Spock’s torso, settling his head on Spock’s shoulder.  “Okay, 3.2 minutes starting now.”

Spock’s arms encircled him.  “The 3.2 minutes started when I said 3…”

“Shhhhhh.”  Jim snuggled closer.  “God, you’re so warm.”

Jim closed his eyes and focused on the bond.  He could feel it thrumming in the back of his head.   Back when they were in San Francisco, he would seek out the bond every morning, drawing on the calm, peacefulness of his Vulcan.  All those mornings with a wall separating them, and now there was nothing but their sleep clothes.  Maybe someday…not even that.  The thrumming seemed to get stronger.  It felt like it was in tune to the low hum of the ship. 

“ _Jim_.”

Jim let a smile steal across his face as he wondered if Spock knew what he was thinking about.  “I can’t believe you’re letting me snuggle against you, Spock.  You never cease to amaze me.”

“I feel exactly the same about you, Jim.”

Jim huffed out a laugh.  He took a deep breath to fortify himself and then pulled himself away from Spock and sat up.  He gave Spock a rueful smile.  “Time to get up.”

Spock looked puzzled and perhaps a little bereft.  “But it has only been 2…”  Spock was interrupted by a series of beeps from the computer.  Jim wheezed with laughter at the affronted look on Spock’s face. 

He badly wanted to kiss him, and he honestly didn’t think Spock would object.  He’d been feeling more and more sure with each passing day that Spock, having recovered the bulk of his memories and settled back into their bond, returned his love.  But now was not the moment to tip them over the edge.  They just set out on their new mission.  Jim would give them a little time to settle.  He reached out and patted Spock on the shoulder.  “It’s okay, Spock.  We’re going to be sleeping together for the foreseeable future.  Plenty of opportunities for cuddling.”

Spock scowled. “Vulcans do not cuddle. That was for your benefit, because you asked me…”  Jim started laughing and rolled out of bed, heading to the bathroom. 

 


	7. Chapter 7

The survey of the planet with the dangerous flora turned out to be the type of assignment that absolutely thrilled Spock, though he would deny it to his core.  Jim knew better - Spock thrived in this environment. 

He’d seen that Spock wasn’t completely happy with his teaching assignment on Earth, though he did seem to perk up some when he was assigned a Vulcan protégé.  Jim felt his fingers clench a little at the thought of Saavik and the fact that she’s been intimate with Spock.  He had to remind himself that it had only been physical intimacy, and it hadn’t really been Spock – just a shell of him.  Jim shook away the petty thoughts and snuck another glance at the science station, where Spock’s fingers were flying over the console. 

Space exploration was where Spock belonged.  During the seven years they were on Earth before Spock’s death, Jim often wondered why he had taken a position planetside after his promotion, when he could have his pick of ships.  Jim had expected him to take command of a science vessel.  Instead he grounded himself.  It took Jim a long time to realize the possibility that maybe it was because _Jim_ grounded himself.  Once he came to this hopeful conclusion, he tried to figure out a way to test the waters.  But he honestly didn’t know how to penetrate that Vulcan exterior (in more ways than one). 

As time went on, he felt more and more unable to broach the subject.  That last year before Spock’s death had been particularly trying.  He was longing for both Spock and for a starship commission, and he still wasn’t used to being in his fifties – emotionally or physically.  He could feel himself putting walls up against his friends. 

The training mission seemed like a possible opportunity to make something happen in a close but low risk environment.  But then Carol and Regula I happened and Starfleet gave the Enterprise its marching orders.  He had gone to Spock’s quarters, secretly thrilled to see him in his meditation robes – Spock was a vision in black.  Their ensuing conversation had started out as banter, but took a turn for the bittersweet.  Spock once again called him out on what he really wanted – a starship.  And then…and then Spock had said “I will always be yours” and Jim felt completely overwhelmed.  He couldn’t even reply.  He wanted to, but the timing was all wrong.  He was too caught up in trying to figure out what the hell was going on at Regula I, as well as wondering whether or not he’d finally see his son, David. 

He remembered walking out of Spock’s quarters, vowing to bring it up again when the mission was over.  He was forcibly reminded of it when Spock was dying and said the same phrase again, this time appending the qualifier ‘friend.’  Jim had felt his heart shattering.  There was no more Spock in his future.  And the past would be colored by his bitter regret that he hadn’t been brave enough to do something about their bond, which he now felt being severed as if it were a limb.  What he’d told David later was true.  He’d never experienced death like this before, and he never would again.

Jim snapped back to the present as he realized that he could experience it again if something else happened to Spock.  It would be worse this time.  For a split second he found himself trying to think of a reason not to let Spock go down to the planet.  But he knew that he couldn’t do that.  It would violate everything both he and Spock stood for. 

*

It turned out that not only was the flora still dangerous, it had acquired sentience.  Intelligent sentience.  Spock later hypothesized that somehow the science vessel that previously explored the planet somehow influenced its evolution.  The folks responsible for enforcing the prime directive would puzzle over this one for years – how could anyone have known that it could apply to _plants_?  Such musings were for a later date.  In the meantime, Spock was being held hostage by the plants.   It was a frustrating two days while Uhura deciphered their language and learned to communicate with them, and another three of negotiations for Spock’s release. 

Spock assured him that he was never in mortal danger – the plants were generally very pacifist when they weren’t being vehemently protective of their planet.  But he did have many cuts and bruises from being dragged through foliage (sentient foliage) and was malnourished since there was nothing he could eat (certainly not the plants).

No sooner had Spock been released from sickbay when they were called to another planet on the brink of war – one of the races wanted to join the Federation and the other did not.  It went on like this for another week, with Jim and Spock so busy that they tended to just fall into bed exhausted – often on different shifts – and struggle out of bed every morning to face yet more negotiations.

They were on their way to Andoria to pick up an ambassador, when they were confronted by a lurid yellow alien ship that believed _gray_ to be a threatening color.  They fired a warning shot and then warped away, the _yellowness_ of their ship very apropos.  The shot did some damage which Scotty couldn’t fix because the necessary materials weren’t on board.  He had a fit when he realized this, declaring that this was the last time he took a ship out without giving it a thorough inspection and inventory.  So they limped to the nearest Starbase for repairs, and many of the crew beamed over to take advantage of the quick break.  By unspoken mutual consent, both Jim and Spock chose sleep. 

When Jim woke up the next morning, he was hard as a rock. He tried to remember if he’d had an erotic dream, but he was pretty sure he’d slept completely soundly.  That was partly due to Spock.  Jim had quickly grown to rely on Spock being there in bed with him, his warm and calm presence soothing away whatever stress or anxiety he was feeling.

Jim felt Spock’s warmth curved against his back – this was apparently their favorite sleeping position because they always ended up this way.  He felt himself instinctively shift back even closer to Spock’s sleeping form, and that was when it hit him. _It_ being Spock’s erection.  It was pressing against Jim’s backside and causing his own to twitch in sympathy.  Jim felt the air leave his lungs. 

“I find I must apologize, Jim.”  Another twitch of his cock as Spock’s voice rumbled in his ear.

“F…for what?” Jim asked faintly.

“I have not been meditating as frequently as I would like, and it is affecting my ability to control my reaction to you.”  Jim squeezed his eyes shut – the idea of Spock’s control eroding gave him a little thrill.

“So…” Jim cleared his throat.  “So that isn’t just morning wood pressing against my ass?”

“Morning wood?  Ah, I recall a roommate at the Academy making that reference.  No, Jim, this is not a random physiological phenomenon, it is a specific result of my desire for you.”

Jim twisted in Spock’s arms until he was facing him.  The action caused his cock to brush against Spock’s and Jim had to stifle a whimper.  “So…you really do desire me?  I wasn’t sure.  That time we were talking about pon farr, I was trying find out if you would even want to have sex with me, and you dismissed it as irrelevant.”

Spock’s arms tightened around him.  “It was not my intent to dismiss you.  I was having a difficult time navigating a very sensitive discussion.”

Jim smiled at him tenderly.  “You’re saying I threw you for a loop when I offered myself up for your pon farr.”

Spock’s eyes were soft.  “Precisely.  Jim, I still do not know if you really understand all that it would entail.”

Jim encircled his arms around Spock’s neck so that their bodies were flush together.  “Let’s see, shall we?  It would entail getting to have a lot of sex with you, which you probably might have deduced by now is something I want very much.”  He pushed his hips forward so that their erections brushed again.  Spock’s beautiful brown eyes darkened.  “And then, after all that fantastic sex, we would be bound together as mates for as long as we’re both alive.  Yes?”

Spock’s eyes had shifted down to stare at Jim’s lips, and he nodded gravely.  “At that point, the bond would become irrevocable.”

Jim shook his head.  He started playing with the silky hair on the back of Spock’s neck.  “Spock, it’s already irrevocable.  Has there ever been a time since we’ve known each other where we were happy outside of each other’s company? 

Spock shook his head.  “Your logic is sound,” he said softly.

Jim’s fingers moved around to the side and he began to slide them along Spock’s ear.  “Another thing I wasn’t sure about was whether or not you were even interested in sex unless your hormones were out of whack.  But this says otherwise.”  He grinded against Spock again, and the Vulcan tilted his head forward until their foreheads were touching.

“ _Jim_.  It is true that my body has broadcast my desire loud and clear.  But sex for me is not just about the body.  It is about the mind and the heart as well.  When Vulcans have sex, we prefer to mind meld to enhance the experience.” 

Jim let his nose slide against Spock’s, aching to kiss him.  “I love melding with you.  We haven’t done it in so long.”

Spock closed his eyes and swallowed.  “I cannot join my mind and my body with you, ashayam, unless I know that what I will see in your mind is the same as what you will see in mine.  Because if it is not, I…”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk and Commander Spock.”  Jim gritted his teeth.  Unfuckingbelievable. He toyed with the idea of ignoring it.  But Scotty was never frivolous when he had the con.  If he was hailing them, it was only because he did not have the power to handle it or put it off, whatever _it_ was.

Spock had already reached out his long arms and grasped the communicator.  He handed it to Jim, and he flipped it open.  “Yeah, Scotty, what is it?”

“Beggin yer pardon, sir, but Starfleet has just informed us that a Federation colony in the Dentari system has been hit by a virus that is both mutating and spreading rapidly.  It is not yet deadly, but apparently it’s getting close.  There’s medicine here at the Starbase that should kill the virus, so we’ve been ordered to load up the Enterprise and deliver the drug.”

Jim rubbed his face. “And what about our repairs?”

“Well, I stocked up on what we needed as soon as we arrived, and I’ve been working on the repairs while we’ve been docked.  There’s nothing that says we have to stay here in the meantime.  I can keep working on it while we’re on our way to the colony.”

Jim gave a resigned sigh.  “Alright, I’ll be up to the bridge in 10 minutes to relieve you so you can oversee the repairs.  Kirk out.”

 He looked over at Spock and narrowed his eyes.  “As soon as we’ve taken care of Dentari, you and I are going to have a talk and finally _say_ what we haven’t been saying.”  And you’re going to tell me what ‘ashayam’ means, he thought.

*

The medication worked like a charm with the Dentaran colonists, and Bones and Christine were in their element overseeing the recuperation of the sick.  Not one to leave anything to chance, Bones directed his lab team to do a thorough review of the virus to make sure that the medication was getting rid of it and not just masking the symptoms.  He also helped the Dentaran medical experts with getting started on a vaccine so they wouldn’t go through this again.

The Dentarans were evolved from Terran explorers, and for whatever reason had adopted Halloween as an important part of their culture.  They were thrilled that their annual Halloween celebration would not be impacted severely and invited the Enterprise crew to participate.  Bones made sure that those still recovering were under sufficient quarantine (having their own mini celebration) and gave his blessing for the crew to come planetside.   

Jim was a bit overwhelmed with the abundance of decorations when he and Spock beamed down that evening.  He was also impressed with the resourcefulness of his crew for how quickly they were able to put together costumes.  Uhura had strongly suggested that Jim and Spock wear costumes, as the leaders would consider it rude not to participate.  Jim was surprised at Spock’s acquiescence, and Spock merely raised one eyebrow and commented that they have had to blend in with planet citizenry numerous times before.  Jim wanted to point out that Spock had successfully avoided every single Halloween party he’d been invited to for as long as he’d known him, but he knew Spock would go into a dissertation about how this time it was different because it was furthering diplomatic relations and not strictly play acting.  Personally, Jim really didn’t care about the distinction because Spock had further agreed to Jim’s costume suggestion, and that was all that mattered.

Bones had made them promise to swing by the quarantine building so he could see their costumes, and Jim had to practically drag Spock down the street.  When Bones entered he lobby where they were waiting, the look of delight on his face had Jim laughing uproariously.  “Sweet baby Jesus, look at the two of you.  Let me guess, Legolas and Gimli?”

Jim clapped his hands.  “Yes!  Isn’t it perfect?!  Spock is an elf, so his ears blend right in.”

Bones grinned. “Absolutely!  But why aren’t you Aragorn?  He was the leader, right?”

Jim smiled softly.  “True, but this is meant to be a couple’s costume and Gimli was much closer to Legolas than Aragorn.  They were always fighting by each other’s side, and some fans speculate they were doing more than fighting.  I thought it was fitting for our _warrior_ bond, don’t you agree, Spock?”

Spock’s eyes were warm.  “I must admit that I find your choice of costumes pleasing.  It has more depth of meaning than the other one you recommended.”

Jim giggled and winked at Bones.  “I may have suggested dressing up as peanut butter and jelly so that he’d use up his veto.”  The doctor doubled over in laughter. 

They headed back down the street to the conference center where the capital city celebration was being held.  As they made their way through the crowd of people, they received many compliments from the crew, and even a few of the colonists who recognized the old Terran literary reference.

They eventually found the President and chatted for a while until she was joined by her husband and his friend, who it turned out wasn’t just a friend.  President Baptista explained, “Our society does not believe in monogamy.  We do have committed relationships and families, but are not bound by sexual exclusivity.”  She flicked her eyes down Jim’s costume and then back up, gazing at him with a considering look.  “What about Terra?  Have they changed their backwards ways yet?”

Jim smiled politely.  “I think these days it’s more dependent on the individual’s preference than any societal pressure.  In the past I’ve had plenty of sexual partners, but my career didn’t allow for relationships.  Now that I am in a relationship, I find that I have no desire for anyone else but him.”  He looked over at Spock and smiled warmly. 

Spock’s eyes crinkled as he looked back at Jim, but his expression turned steely when he regarded the President.  “It is fortunate for me that Jim feels this way.  Due to our biology and the nature of our mating bonds, Vulcans have a strong tendency towards possessiveness.”  He shifted slightly so that he was several inches closer to Jim than he had been.

The President’s eyes widened slightly and then she barked out a laugh.  “Duly noted, Commander Spock.  Well, I think it’s time we gather in the banquet hall for the Halloween feast!  If you will excuse me while I make the announcement.”  She turned to go and her husband followed.  The husband’s boyfriend sighed and looked Spock up and down before murmuring something that sounded like, “crying shame,” and then he trailed after the other two.

The look on Spock’s face had Jim snorting with laughter.  He grasped Spock’s forearm and tugged.  “Come on, let’s go eat.  I’m looking forward to non-replicated food!”

The Halloween feast did justice to the name, with more food on one table than Jim had seen in a long time.  And copious amounts of wine.  By the time dinner was over and everyone gathered back into the main hall for dancing, Jim was feeling very buzzed and happy.  Not buzzed enough to have any interest in dancing, though.  Just as well, Spock got roped into a discussion with Dentari’s top research scientists (who were all dressed like famous Terran scientists).  Jim contented himself with skirting the edges and chatting with people.  He found Scotty and Uhura giggling over glasses of punch, and he suddenly had an idea.  “Nyota, may I borrow you for a moment?”

She followed him over to a corner that was slightly quieter.  “I wanted to ask you the meaning of a Vulcan word.  I hope I’m saying it correctly.  Ashayam.”

Her inquiring expression melted into a knowing look.  “Let me guess, Spock called you that word.”  Jim bit his lip and nodded.  She raised her eyebrows.  “But he wouldn’t tell you what it means?”

Jim shrugged.  “We got interrupted before I could ask.  So you know what it means?”

Her lips curled into an affectionate smile.  “I do, Jim, but I don’t feel right telling you.  It’s too intimate.  Look, let me give you a little brush up on Xenolinguistics 101.  If you’re not sure what a word means, pay attention to the context.  What was he saying before and after he used the word?  _If_ he was saying anything.”  She winked, and Jim felt himself flush red.  “Oh Jim, you don’t know how happy I am for you and Spock.  I knew this nonsense about ‘pretending’ to be bondmates would sort itself out.”  She gave him a kiss on the cheek, patted his arm and then strolled back over to Scotty. 

What _had_ Spock been saying?  They were talking about sex and mind melds, and Spock seemed unsure that what he would see in Jim’s mind would be the same as what was in his own.  It was rare to see Spock uncertain about anything.  Most of the time he knew the answers.  Most of the time he got things right.  Except…Jim felt his breath hitched as he realized a time recently when Spock _didn’t_ get something right. 

Jim sat down heavily on a nearby chair lining the wall.  Spock had thought they were bondmates.  Ever the scientist, he likely based this conclusion on at all the evidence of his incomplete memories.  When he turned out to be wrong, he probably went back to figure out where he had miscalculated.  There was the existence of the bond.  There were all the memories of them behaving with each other exactly like two people who loved each other deeply.  And of course his own feelings would have been a known quantity.  The only variable in the equation was _Jim’s_ feelings. 

Jim looked down at his hands, feeling a trickle of self-reproach.  Of course Jim’s feelings would still be an unknown to Spock.  Jim spent the past couple of months giving Spock every indication that he was desperately in love with him, but hasn’t ever actually come out and _said_ it.  And after misinterpreting their relationship once already, in a very public and humiliating way, Spock was feeling vulnerable.

Jim took an unsteady breath, tears pricking his eyes.  And this wasn’t even the first time that he’s left Spock hanging.  Before that it was in Spock’s quarters, with him telling Jim, “I have always been and always shall be yours.”  And even before that, during the V’Ger mission, Spock grasping his hand and talking about “this simple feeling.”  Jim was supposed to be the more human of the two of them, but it was Spock laying his heart out on his sleeve over and over.

Jim stood, sniffling and blinking back the tears.  This ends now.  He was finally going to tell Spock his feelings.  Spock deserved to know exactly where he stood.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ashal-veh - darling  
> las’hark - sun  
> Taluhk nash-veh k’dular – I cherish thee  
> k’diwa - beloved  
> el’ru’esta - hand embrace (crossing hands at the wrist and touch palms; used as an embrace for t'hy'la or family)

Spock’s conversation about spores faltered slightly when he felt Jim’s distress through the bond.  Something had upset Jim.  He continued to talk, but let his eyes skim the crowd looking for his ashayam.  After a few moments, the distress evaporated and he finally spotted Jim.  He was coming towards Spock, a determined look on his face.  Spock made his apologies to the scientist he’d been talking to and promised to send him his latest study results.  He stepped away just in time for Jim to catch up with him.  “Spock, I’m sorry for interrupting, but we need to go back up to the ship right now.”

Spock raised one eyebrow.  The distress was gone, yet Jim spoke with urgency.  “Of course, I have already given my farewells.”  Jim gave a jerky nod and they made their way out of the reception hall and out into the street.  Jim opened his communicator and gave the order for two to beam up.  Just before their particles evaporated, Spock saw that the expression on Jim’s face was one of anticipation.

When they were back aboard, Jim barely acknowledged the ensign in the transporter room before he swept out into the hallway, his hand at Spock’s back.  Jim glanced up at him.  “We’re going to our quarters,” he said as he led Spock into the turbolift.  “Deck 5.”  Clearly whatever it is that has Jim agitated is personal in nature.  Some of Jim’s anticipation was bleeding into Spock’s psyche and he could feel his breathing pattern change. 

When they got to their quarters, Jim led him back to the sleeping area.  “Come on, let’s get these costumes off.  I’m not going to say what I have to say dressed as a dwarf.”  He took off his helmet and fake beard.  Spock pulled off his wig.  He remembered studying his appearance when he first put it on and thinking that he looked reminiscent of a pre-reform Vulcan warrior.  Exactly the sort who would have had a t’hy’la bond. 

They removed their capes and the leather bindings until all that was left were their tunics and leggings.  Jim let out a gusty breath and smiled.  “That’s much better.”  He went up to Spock and lifted his hands up to his shoulders, squeezing them.  Spock stared at him.  He had so many memories of Jim doing this with women.  Was he hoping to pick up where they left off when they were interrupted with the Dentari assignment?

“Jim, what is it you wish to tell me?”

Jim ran his hands up and down Spock’s arms and gazed at him intently.  “Spock, I love you.  And when I say that, I don’t mean like I love my friends, or parents, or even the Enterprise.  I mean I love you more than anyone or anything in this entire universe.  I will love you for the rest of my life.  I want to _make_ love to you, and I want to meld with you so you can see just how much you fill up my mind.  Then you’ll have confirmation that what is in here,” he pointed towards his temple, “is the same as what is in there.”   Jim lightly pressed his finger against Spock’s temple.  Spock felt a little spark at this touching of one of his psi points, but it was minor compared to the feeling that Jim’s words erupted inside of him like flames.

Jim cupped the side of his face, and Spock lifted his hand and laid it over top of his to keep it there, pressing his cheek against Jim’s palm.  Jim’s thumb stroked his cheek bone.  “I had planned to ask you what ashayam meant, but I’d have to be an idiot not to figure it out.  After everything you’ve been telling me and showing me about what I mean to you, how can it be anything else but _beloved_?”

“Ashal-veh,” Spock breathed out.  “It is indeed beloved.  You are beloved.  Jim, my las’hark, I do love you.  Taluhk nash-veh k’dular.  You are everything to me.”

Jim’s smile was full of joy and he huffed out a laugh.  “I knew it!  Well, I knew about ashayam.  Those other words I have no idea, but they sound beautiful.  And I want to learn.  Everything, not just the language.”

Spock gazed at him softly.  “Perhaps we can start with this, the ozh’esta.”  He tugged Jim’s hand from his face and brought it down, arranging his fingers so that two of them pointed out.  Then he pressed his two fingers to Jim’s.  “It is the Vulcan kiss.  A gesture between bondmates, symbolic of the trust essential to touching together their most sensitive telepathic receptors.”

Jim’s breath hitched.  “It feels…slightly electrified.”

Spock himself felt a shiver of sensation. “It is the bond,” he said roughly.  “It thrives on the strength of our connection.”

Jim gave him a heated look.  “I’d be happy to see what else would make the bond happy.  Spock, I want to kiss you the human way.”

With a tiny smile curling his lips, Spock guided Jim’s hands to his shoulders where they had been earlier.  Jim beamed at him and shifted closer, circling his arms around Spock’s neck.  He gently tugged Spock down until their lips met and pressed together.  Spock’s lips were not as sensitive as his fingers, but he still felt that same electricity from the ozh’esta, and his head spun at the heady sensation.  Spock reached up and grasped Jim’s hips, curling his fingers into the fabric of his tunic as if holding on for dear life. 

Spock felt Jim’s lips part, and then he brought his hand back to Spock’s cheek and used his thumb to softly stroke downward on his chin. Realizing that Jim wanted him to open his lips as well, he complied.  This earned a groan from Jim as he deepened the kiss, his tongue licking into Spock’s mouth.  The sheer intimacy of it sparked a hunger in Spock and he looped his hands around Jim’s back and pulled him closer until they were tightly flush against each other.  He slid his own tongue against Jim’s, and the sensuality of it made him want to do the same thing with other parts of their bodies.  He gently broke the kiss, taking a deep breath.  “Jim, shall we retire to the bed?”

Jim groaned.  “Yes, yes, _god_ yes.”  He paused and narrowed his eyes.  “Not to sleep, right?”

In answer, Spock pulled his tunic over his head in one swift movement, and then removed the leggings just as efficiently.  Jim gaped at him.  “ _Shit_.  Okay, good, we’re on the same page.”  He reached for the hem of his tunic and then paused slightly. 

Knowing the reason for the hesitation, Spock raised one eyebrow.  “Jim, do I look the same as I did during our first five year mission?”  He looked down at himself and then back up at Jim.

Jim’s eyes trailed down his body.  “You’re beautiful.  You’re everything I want.”  He reached out and trailed his fingers down Spock’s torso.

“Then you understand, k’diwa, that I want you, too.  Show yourself to me.”

Jim shook his head and then quirked a smile.  “I love you, Spock.”  He pulled off his tunic and then yanked off his leggings.  His eyes blazed with arousal as he went over to Spock and tugged him into a deep kiss, walking him backwards and then gently pushing him down onto the bed.   Spock shifted up the bed until his head touched a pillow, and watched as Jim climbed onto the bed and crawled up to meet him.  He ran his hand up Spock’s torso before arranging himself on top of him. 

The only thing between them now was their Starfleet-issue underwear, and that was being swiftly divested by Jim who had obviously gotten over his shyness.  Spock was quickly losing track of time because there seemed to be none at all between when his underwear was stripped from him and when Jim’s hand was on his cock, stroking up and down as he also nuzzled against Spock’s ear. 

Spock had a hard time focusing with the way Jim was touching him, their bond sparking between them.  He had to force himself to concentrate on getting Jim’s underwear off.  He used his superior strength to flip Jim over and in another example of losing time, he had Jim’s cock in his mouth without recalling the transition.  Jim shouted in surprise, and then let out a litany of curses that would have fit right in with the Terran citizens of the 1980s. 

Spock worshipped Jim’s body, reveling in his responsiveness when he raised his hand up to stroke and pinch Jim’s nipples.  He was disappointed when Jim, gasping for breath, commanded him to cease.  “Spock, I…I’m gonna come if you don’t stop.  _Please_.  I want…I want to fuck you if…if you’re okay with that.” 

It took Spock a moment to register what Jim was asking for.  When he realized, he pulled off with a pop and slid up Jim’s body to kiss him, curling his fingers through Jim’s hair.  Then he whispered in his ear, “Jim.  My las’hark, ever since we first melded and I felt your golden sunlight fill my mind, I have also wanted you to fill me in every other way possible.”

Jim let out a ragged sigh and hugged Spock to him tightly.  “I can’t believe this is finally happening.  I’ve wanted this for so long.”  Spock could see on his face and sense through the bond that he was overwhelmed with feeling.  Jim kissed him over and over, and then reluctantly sat up.  “I’ll be right back, I just have to find my lube.  I haven’t used it since we’ve been on board, I’ve been jerking off in the shower.  It’s probably still in my kit.”

Spock shook his head.  “You do not need it.”  He drew Jim’s hand to his erection and showed him where to press his thumb right under the second ridge.  Spock sucked in a breath as pleasure shot through him and a slick substance began to dribble out of the head.  In a shaky voice he explained, “An evolutionary quirk to ease the way during pon farr when we’re too far into the blood fever to care about preparation.”

Jim eyes were blazing with heat.  “Fantastic,” he breathed.  He gathered some of the fluid with his fingers and began preparing Spock.  Having only ever been with women, it was the first time Spock was to be penetrated.  He was mentally preparing himself for the first breach, but then Jim lowered his head and ran his tongue along Spock’s erection.  Spock gasped with the intensity of the sensation and barely noticed that Jim already had one finger inside of him.  The expertise with which Jim handled him was proof of the experience with men that he claimed.  Spock did not want to think of Jim’s other sex partners, particularly his male partners, and so shut down that line of thinking. 

Jim pressed that same spot with his tongue, and gathered more fluid on his fingers.  This time Jim took his cock entirely into his mouth as he slid two fingers into him.  Spock was breathing raggedly, and then gasped when Jim’s finger brushed against his prostate.  Jim lifted his head and gave Spock a sultry look.  “I wondered if you had one.  I’m glad.  I want to make you feel so good, sweetheart.” 

He kissed Spock’s thigh and then continued kissing his way up Spock’s torso, running his hands through the hair on his chest and licking at his nipples.  He continued farther up, kissing and nuzzling Spock’s neck and then pressed his lips to Spock’s ear.  “You mentioned before that you’d want to be melded while we have sex.  Should we be facing each other if you need to have your fingers on my psi points?”

Spock had been so caught up in the sensations wracking his body that he had almost forgotten.  “I will only need to have my fingers there to start the connection.  Our bond will keep the link open so we can be in any position we want.  Having said that, I do want us to be facing each other.”

Jim was already settled between Spock’s legs, languidly rubbing their cocks together, so he took Spock’s hand and brought it up to his face.  “Go ahead, sweetheart, start the link.  I don’t think I can wait any longer.”

Spock was also feeling impatient to have Jim’s cock inside of him, so he gingerly placed his fingers in position, and began to whisper, “My mind to your mind…” as he stared into Jim’s beautiful golden eyes.  The bond thrummed almost audibly as their minds connected and Spock felt the powerful force of Jim’s love for him roll over him in wave after psychic wave.  It took his breath away. 

He felt Jim take a shuddering breath.  “ _Spock_.  I knew you could feel intensely, but experiencing it this way…you are beautiful, my love.”

He carefully removed his fingers from Jim’s face and reached down for his right hand, grasping it and pulling it up above their heads.  He rested his own hand on the pillow and extended his two fingers.  Jim seemed to understand what he wanted and touched his own two fingers to Spock’s.  “The ozh’esta will enhance the connection.  You do not have to keep our fingers together the whole time, but stroking them every so often will intensify the sensations.”

Jim lowered his head, touching their lips together as well.  Spock felt Jim’s need to penetrate him, as well as his erection pressed against his thigh.  “Please, Jim,” he whispered, conveying with his own mind that he was ready and just as desperate.

Jim used his left hand to guide the head of his cock, and when it was pressed against the entrance, Jim shifted his hand to Spock’s cock, pressing that spot again so that pleasure vibrated through him at the same moment of penetration.  Whatever discomfort he felt from the gradual intrusion was tempered by Jim’s hand sliding up and down his cock, his lips lavishing attention on his nipples, and the waves of joy and arousal he felt through the bond.  Spock broadcast his own feelings of exultation that they were finally coming together in the most intimate way possible. 

His desire to experience everything with Jim had been building ever since he detected the bond back on Vulcan.  The more his memories returned, the more he was reminded of his love for Jim, his attraction, his yearning to be loved and filled by Jim.  And now it was happening.  Jim was fully seated inside him now, and he trembled with the effort not to thrust.  “My t’hy’la, please move.  _Now_.”

Jim looked up at him with a shaky smile.  “It’s been a long time since I’ve done this, sweetheart, I don’t want to come after one stroke.”

Spock closed his eyes and navigated through Jim’s mind, finding the pleasure center.  Jim was right, he was about to tip over into orgasm any moment.  “I have taken the edge off your arousal so that you will not come until you are ready.”

Jim’s eyes widened in amazement and he began to move, sighing in relief.  “Spock, holy hell.  You are incredible.”  He thrust in and out, changing the angle until he found Spock’s prostate again.  Spock inhaled sharply, and Jim groaned, having felt it through their bond.  Jim set a rhythm that worked for the both of them.  Every so often he reached up to Spock’s fingers and caressed them, sending a shower of psychic sparks arcing through them both. 

Spock felt the pressure building and building in him, until he was desperate for Jim to touch him and finish him off.  He released the mental hold he had on Jim’s pleasure center and moaned his name, his voice low and rough.  Jim gasped as his arousal mounted in intensity, feeding back to Spock’s own impending orgasm.  He pictured in his head what he wanted Jim to do.  Immediately, Jim grasped his hand in the el’ru’esta, their palms pressed together tightly for maximum contact.  He wrapped his other hand around Spock’s erection, which was already oozing fluid on its own.  One stroke was all it took and Spock was coming hard, his voice hoarse as he shouted.  The keen pleasure he felt looped back to Jim as he pumped into him hard, and in moments he was moaning loudly as his own orgasm overtook him. 

Jim collapsed on top of him, breathing hard.  Spock could feel him radiating happiness so intense that he was on the verge of tears.  Spock felt almost overwhelmed by it, but he felt too deeply satisfied to be unsettled.  Jim let go of Spock’s hand and eased over until he was laying beside him, still flush against him, circling his arm around his waist as if he could not bear to break skin contact.  Eventually their breathing slowed to normal. 

“Spock, I’ve never…” Jim’s voice cracked.  Spock felt his fingers tighten against his waist.  Jim cleared his throat.  “I can’t even tell you how happy I am right now.  I almost can’t believe it.  It wasn’t even a year ago when I felt like everything I cared about was out of reach and drifting further and further away.  I wanted a starship, but I thought I was too old and they’d just laugh at me and tell me to just…be content with my desk job.  I wanted _you_ , but I didn’t think it was possible you could ever want the same thing.  Like if I told you how I felt, you’d just raise that eyebrow,” he traced his finger along Spock’s brow, “and tell me to just…be content with our friendship.”  He sighed and buried his face in Spock’s shoulder. 

Spock gathered him closer.  “You are the greatest man I have ever known, and you deserve every good thing.  I feel honored and privileged that you consider me to be one of those good things.  I shall endeavor to deserve you back.”  Ashal-veh.  Taluhk nash-veh k’dular.

Jim lifted his head and stared at Spock.  “My beloved, I cherish thee.  You didn’t say that out loud, but I heard it.  It was the same Vulcan phrase that you said earlier, but this time you were thinking it.  And I understood it.”

Spock gazed at him warmly.  “Our bond has been completely fulfilled.  Friends, brothers, and now lovers.  We are bondmates, Jim.  Our minds will be forevermore connected.”

Jim’s smile was bright. “ _Spock_.  That’s incredible!  Wait, is this going to be like what Sulu was joking about?  Are we going to be able to have silent conversations on the bridge?”

Spock shook his head, amused.  “No, Jim.  Betazoids can communicate that way, but Vulcans are touch telepaths.  You can hear my thoughts because we are touching.”

Jim looked slightly disappointed.  “I guess we’ll just have to hold hands everywhere we go.”  He gave him a sly grin. 

Spock raised his eyebrows.  “Jim, it is not practical to use our bond as a strategic advantage.”

Jim wrinkled his nose.  “I guess not.”  He kissed Spock’s chin.  “I’ll just have to be content with using the bond for fantastic, mind-blowing sex.”


	9. Chapter 9

The next day when Jim went to visit Bones in the quarantine building, the doctor took one look at Jim and groaned.  “I don’t believe it.  The two of you finally got your act together.  I suppose this means from now on you’ll never take my side against his.”

Jim grinned at him.  “Just because I’m utterly smitten with him doesn’t mean he’s got me wrapped around his finger.  We’re both just as stubborn as we were before.” 

Bones rolled his eyes.  “Oh, well I’m relieved to know you’ll continue to be pig-headed.”  After a few moments, he cracked a smile.  “I’m happy for you, Jim.  I really am.  So are you going to Vulcan to formalize everything?”

Jim nodded.  “Yes, but not any time soon.  We don’t have any business out that way, and we don’t want to have to come up with a lie to take us there.  We can’t exactly say it’s to do a bonding ceremony when Starfleet assumes we’ve already had one.  So we’ll bide our time until we get an assignment in that area.”

*

After they finished with the Dentarans, they went on to their next mission and Jim spent the next two weeks on Cloud 9.  Not even the skirmish with some Klingons they encountered could faze him.  They were the ones who were phased.  A _lot_. 

Now that they had shared their feelings with each other, Jim and Spock talked about many of the things that they had kept to themselves for years.  They could see how close they had come many times to telling the truth.  It was depressing to realize how much they had missed out on because of pride or fear, but it made them appreciate all the more that they did finally get there. 

Spock was relieved that Jim didn’t have a problem with how much they were in each other’s heads.  He shared that most Vulcan/Terran relationships didn’t work out because humans were put off by that level of intimacy.  Jim was simply relieved that Spock wasn’t put off by the stuff he saw in Jim’s head.  There were some ugly parts of his past, such as the Tarsus incident.  Spock continued to accept and love him.

One night, Jim was startled awake by a noise he didn’t recognize, and an overwhelming feeling of despair.  He called for lights at 40%, and after a moment he was able to see that the noise he heard was Spock _crying_.  “Spock, what happened? What’s the matter?”  He realized then that Spock was still asleep.  Was he having a nightmare?  That was even more startling.  Spock had once told him that Vulcans didn’t dream.  Jim shook his arm.  “Spock, wake up!”

Spock sat bolt upright in bed.  His eyes were wide open and he looked wildly about.  “Jim?  Where am I?  What…what?”

Jim rubbed his hand up and down Spock’s arm.  “Spock, you were having a bad dream.  You were crying.  Do you remember?”

Jim saw when realization dawned.  Spock’s face crumpled in anguish.  “V’Lira.  I was dreaming of V’Lira.  She was the widow that helped me through my second pon farr.” Jim inhaled sharply, surprised.  This was one of the things they had yet to talk about because Spock’s memory of it hadn’t yet returned.  Apparently it was surfacing now.

Jim put his hands on either side of Spock’s face and tenderly kissed him on the temple.  “Do you remember anything specific?”

Spock winced, and a tear trickled down his cheek.  “She…she only agreed to it because it was illogical to sacrifice my life.  But she sensed my profound unhappiness and it disgusted her.”

Jim wiped the tear away with his thumb.  “Your unhappiness?  I thought…I thought you were happy aboard the Enterprise.”

Spock shook his head.  “I was as content as I was capable of being at that time.  The unhappiness came from wishing that you were the one I would be mating with during the blood fever.  All I could think of was you, how much I wanted you, and how you would never be mine.”  Spock’s breath hitched and he clung to Jim, his face buried in Jim’s neck.  “She wouldn’t let me meld with her.  It was to be mating and nothing else.  My fever was so advanced that I did not care.  I mated with her, and the whole time felt like I was betraying our bond, pouring my misery through it.  I am so sorry you felt it, Jim.  So sorry.”  His voice broke in a sob.

Jim felt like his heart was being squeezed by a vise. “Oh Spock.  I’m the one that’s sorry.  If only I had fought harder to get to you when we were on the way to Vulcan.  I would have talked you into letting me take care of you.”

Spock shook his head.  “No, ashal-veh.  It would have been worse.  After the violence of my first pon farr, I vowed never to hurt you again.  I did not know that you wanted me as much as I wanted you, and I would have done anything rather than lay a hand on you.”

“You could have melded with me and seen the truth.”

“I would not have dared take that chance.  The moment I touched you, I would have taken you no matter what was in your mind.”

Jim shivered, and as if in response, Spock’s body wracked with shudders.  “Spock, it’s okay.  It’s all in the past.  You will never have to go through that again.  God, to think that you’ve gone through this twice feeling so unwanted.  Not anymore.  I want you and I will always want you, sweetheart.”

Jim hugged Spock to him until his tremors ceased.  His voice rough with tears, Spock whispered, “I must go and meditate. I have never experienced a nightmare before and it was deeply unsettling.”

Jim squeezed his shoulder.  “Go on then, love.  I guess I’ll read or something.  I don’t think I can get back to sleep.”

Spock turned to him.  “You must sleep, Jim.  You will need your wits about you for the negotiations today.  I can help.”  He lifted a hand questioningly towards Jim’s temple.  Jim supposed it was true.  The latest group of aliens from the two planets of the Pr’Tibi system were rumored to be an argumentative bunch.  He nodded his assent and Spock made contact with his psi points, murmured a few words, and Jim fell towards sleep.

*

The negotiations were not going well.  Jim had gotten enough sleep, and Spock had emerged from his meditation chamber in a much calmer mood.  So for the life of him Jim couldn’t understand why he was so damned irritable.  More than once he had snapped at Pr’Tibians for getting into petty little arguments and generally behaving illogically.  Fortunately, he wasn’t in charge of the negotiations.  They had ferried three ambassadors to the planet who were responsible for dealing with their squabbles.  Jim decided to go back up to the ship and stay out of their way until he was absolutely needed for something.

Jim’s mood was apparently having an effect on Spock, because he was behaving possessively any time anyone so much as smiled at Jim.  Not that Spock was the only one acting jealous.  Jim made a rumbling noise that was almost a growl when he saw Christine touching Spock.  They were on the bridge and she’d come up to ask Spock a question about an experiment she was running.  She put her hand on his shoulder as she leaned over to point at something on his console.   Jim snarled, and the yeoman who’d been next to him jumped in alarm.  Christine’s head snapped over and she stared at Jim, then narrowed her eyes as she looked from Jim to Spock.  She quickly left the bridge.

That night, Spock had another nightmare.  Jim was startled awake by the sensation of Spock half-draped over him, wracked with sobs.  He was moaning, “I want to die.  My las’hark is dead and I have killed him.  Please let the blood fever kill me, I do not want to live.”

Horrified, Jim shook him on the shoulder.  “Spock!!  I’m not dead.  Sweetheart, I’m right here.”  He sent waves of love and calm through the bond. 

With a jerk, Spock abruptly came awake, sucking in air to his lungs as if he’d been suffocating.  “Jim?”  He saw that Jim was alive, but instead of relief his face crumpled in anguish.  He curled away from Jim and huddled on the edge of the bed.  “I do not deserve you.  I lost control and I hurt you.  You must leave me or I will do it again.”

He must still be caught in the grip of his nightmare.  “Spock, no.  Look at me.  I’m fine.  You’re not on Vulcan, you’re on the Enterprise and we’re both _fine_.”  Spock drew his knees up even further to his chest and started to whimper.  Jim took a deep breath.  Spock needed to snap out of it.  “Commander!  You will wake up now, and acknowledge me!”

Spock bolted upright and stared at Jim.  He blinked several times rapidly.  His shoulders sagged as if he realized what had happened.  Then he swallowed and straightened again. “Captain Kirk.  I am awake.  My deepest apologies.”

Jim sent love through the bond and said softly, “At ease, mister.  What have I told you to call me in our quarters?”

Spock lifted his chin.  “ _Jim_.  Thank you for waking me.  I do not understand why I am having these nightmares.  Perhaps I should contact T’Mun to see if this might be a side effect of the fal-tor-pan.”

“Good idea.  In the meantime, perhaps do some meditation?  It seemed to work yesterday.”

Spock nodded and started to climb out of bed.  Jim stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.  He raised his other hand with two fingers stretched out.  Spock pressed his two fingers to Jim, and his eyes closed for a moment.  When he opened them, his eyes were not as clouded with anxiety as they had been earlier. 

*

In hindsight, Jim mused that they should have figured out what was going on sooner.  While Spock’s theory about the fal-tor-pan had merit, there was a much more obvious reason for both Spock and Jim’s behavior.  It was at breakfast that morning when things came to a head.

Jim was sitting across from Spock, about to tuck into a plate of eggs and bacon, when he saw a bowl of oatmeal thunked down in front of him.  He glared up at Bones, who was giving him a mulish look.  “The results of your latest physical are in.  You need to cut down on your cholesterol.” 

Jim gritted his teeth.  “My levels aren’t that high, and you know it.”

Bones folded his arms.  “At your age, it doesn’t take much.”

Jim flinched.  He hated talking about his age, and Bones knew it.  “I’m not eating this.”

“Captain, I suggest you do as Doctor McCoy says.”  Jim stared up at Spock, who was scowling at him.  “As my mate, I wish for you to live as long a life as possible.  It would be inconsiderate and irresponsible for you to disregard your health.”  Jim’s mouth dropped open.  How _dare_ Spock side with Bones over him?

Bones barked with laughter and it just fueled Jim’s feelings of betrayal.  “He’s got you there, Jim.  Now eat your oatmeal like a good bondmate.”

Anger boiling up inside him, Jim stood up, grabbed the bowl of oatmeal, and shouted, “I don’t want it!”  He hurled it against the nearest wall and the bowl smashed, oatmeal splattering everywhere.  He gaped at the sight of the oatmeal dripping down the wall, reminiscent of a similar scene two decades ago, and suddenly he _knew_.  

Jim turned his head to look at Spock, who had a similar expression of comprehension on his face.  Then he looked over at Bones, whose lips were pressed into a grim line. “You two are coming with me down to sickbay.  _Now_.”

*

Jim and Spock sat on the edges of their respective examination beds, not saying a word.  Bones walked back in from the lab, consulting his PADD.  “Congratulations, you two.  You’re _both_ experiencing pon farr.”  He slapped the PADD down on a nearby counter.  “Jim, in your case it’s not deadly because you don’t have the same hormones.  But it could cause you permanent psychological damage if it gets too far.  _Luckily_ you two are bondmates and don’t have to worry about it getting too far.  I’ll just take you off duty for the next week and you can screw like rabbits till you get it out of your system.”  He smiled sarcastically.  “That’s my _official_ prescribed treatment for your condition.”

Jim frowned.  “Don’t we have to go to Vulcan?”

Bones shook his head.  “From what Doctor M’Benga told me, that’s only if the Vulcan’s bondmate isn’t with them when it starts.  You’re already together, so you just need a good soundproof room, water, and protein bars.”

Jim was about to exhale in relief, when Spock said quietly, “Jim, I want to go to Vulcan.”

Jim slid off his bed and went over to Spock and put his hand over his.  “Why?” he asked gently.

Spock glanced over at Bones, as if he didn’t want to say it in front of him.  But apparently he changed his mind, knowing that as their physician, Bones would have to be on board with this.  “I have spent my whole life being made to feel like less of a Vulcan.  My nightmares are telling me that I am unable to…let go of these incidents where I failed my Vulcan heritage.”  He took a shuddering breath, then turned his hand and squeezed Jim’s in the el’ru’esta.  “I want to take you to Vulcan so that we may have our bonding ceremony, and quench the fires of pon farr on the red sands of my planet.  To prove to myself that I am a Vulcan.”

Jim stepped closer and rested his forehead against Spock’s temple.  “Of course, Spock.  I’ll set a course for Vulcan right away.”  He turned to Bones.  “Would you be willing to say in your official diagnosis that this Vulcan illness Spock and I have can only be treated on Vulcan?”

Bones sighed deeply.  “Goddamn it.  Yeah, why not?  These nightmares are a new development, so maybe the best way to get rid of them is go to Vulcan.”

Jim clapped him on the shoulder.  “Good man, Bones.  I’ll contact Starfleet Command and see about finding a nearby starship to pick up the ambassadors when the Pr’Tibi negotiations are done.”

*

Starfleet Command was surprisingly acquiescent to the request for a diversion to Vulcan.  Part of that was likely due to the fact that there was indeed another starship only a day away and so therefore the ambassadors would not be inconvenienced.  The other part was because they’ve gotten used to all the Vulcans in Starfleet suffering from mysterious illnesses at regular intervals that required them to return to Vulcan.

Fortunately they were close enough to Vulcan that they would make it there in two days.  Scotty had the con the whole time, as both Jim and Spock were becoming too affected to perform their duties.  Much to Jim’s consternation, Spock asked that they refrain from having sex until they get to Vulcan and complete the bonding ceremony.  Jim had never felt so horny in his life, but it wasn’t like when he was a randy teenager.  The intense need burned through him to either fuck or fight and he eventually had to lock himself away in unoccupied quarters and hope he didn’t lose his mind.

                  


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> katelau - to copulate; to become joined in marriage  
> adun - husband

As it had been 20 years ago, Jim, Spock, and Bones went down to the surface of Vulcan, this time wearing ceremonial robes.  T’Mun was there to greet them.  “Your clan is waiting at the ceremonial site.  I have been asked to ensure that you arrive safely given your weakened state.”

Jim could already feel the heat penetrate his lungs, despite the tri-ox compound.  When he was here for three months, his body had acclimated.  But it’s been another three months since they left and he was back at square one.  “Are you conducting the bonding ceremony?”

She shook her head. “No, that is T’Pau’s privilege as head of the clan.  I will be overseeing your pon farr activities to ensure your health and safety.”

Jim glanced at her uneasily.  “When you say oversee, do you mean…”

T’Mun gave him a cold stare.  “It is no longer a part of the ritual to observe the joining of bodies.  There is a room near the ceremonial site that is used for the couple’s privacy.  I will be nearby if I am needed, but I will not be present.”  Jim felt relief, and also amusement from Spock through the bond.  Jim glanced at Bones and saw that he was biting his lip to keep from laughing.

They reached the giant circular arena, the same one where Spock’s first pon farr had taken place.  Jim felt a sharp sense of foreboding, but he knew that it wasn’t his own emotion.  He projected his love and _want_ through the bond, and some of Spock’s anxiety eased.  T’Pau arrived, carried much the same as before, this time Spock’s parents trailing behind her. 

T’Pau stood erect and spoke the ancient words that began the ceremony, and Jim felt his déjà vu increase.  He almost physically felt Spock’s tremor.  He’d explained to Jim that they did not go through this ritual with V’Lira, as there was no intent to bond them.  They had simply gone through to the room and did the deed.  Jim was jolted from his musings by T’Pau calling out, “Kal’i’farr!”  She thrust an imperious finger towards the altar. 

Spock went up to the gong and took up the mallet.  He looked over at Jim, who gave him a warm smile.  He knew it was considered unseemly, but he didn’t care – he wanted to reassure Spock that he would not repeat what T’Pring did. 

Spock sounded the gong, and Jim stepped up to the altar.  Spock bowed his head and said, “James Tiberius Kirk.  Parted from me and never parted.”

Jim bowed his head and responded, “S’chn T’Gai Spock.  Never and always touching and touched.”  They both reached out and pressed their fingers together in the ozh’esta.  Jim hoped he didn’t butcher the name too badly.  The heat of desire and love blazed from Spock’s eyes, and it was obvious he didn’t even register it.  Now that they were past the point of rejection, it was clear he was more than ready to get to the next part. 

But first, they approached T’Pau again.  She had them kneel, and she carefully placed her fingers on both of their faces.  She closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them and nodded.  “It is as T’Mun said.  Thy bond is the most ancient and revered t’hy’la.  It is strong, robust, thriving.  And now with the kal’i’farr, it is complete.  Thee are wed.”

The bells jangled in his ears and Jim beamed in delight.  Spock stood and held out his hand.  Jim took it, and he could hear Spock in his mind as he rose to standing.  _My ashaya._   They waited rather impatiently for T’Pau to be carried out.  They followed, but only until they had reached the room where they would be spending the rest of the pon farr.  Jim saw Amanda dabbing at her eyes as she followed Sarek out.  Bones bid them farewell and he said he would be up on the ship if they needed anything.

Jim was relieved that the room was cool and had proper air circulation.  As soon as the door shut behind them, Spock crowded Jim against the wall.  He took Jim’s mouth in a deep, hungry kiss, which he returned fervently.  When they parted to take a breath, Jim gasped, “Let’s get these robes off, I’m burning up.”  It wasn’t from being too warm.  The blood fever had spiked once the ceremony was over and he was almost frantic to feel Spock’s skin against his. 

Spock yanked off his robes in one swift movement, then divested Jim of his just as quickly.  He picked up Jim in a caveman carry and strode over to the bed, and Jim couldn’t help but giggle.  He dumped Jim on the bed, which was fortunately very soft with a downy coverlet.  Staring at Jim heatedly, Spock removed the Starfleet issue pants and boots that he’d worn underneath the robe.  He did the same with Jim’s clothing, almost ripping it in his haste. 

Spock scrambled naked up the bed to claim another intensely filthy kiss.  Jim could feel that both of their erections were already hard as steel, and Spock’s was dribbling that fantastic liquid that usually had to be coaxed out.  “It is time for the katelau.  You are t'nash-veh, _mine_ , and I will take you _now_.”  Spock’s voice was so deep it was almost subsonic and Jim shuddered with anticipation. 

Spock had warned him that because of the blood fever he would be compelled to fuck Jim even though it was his general preference to bottom.  He also warned that it would not be their usual lovemaking.  Jim was just fine with it, he’d spent his time cooped up in the spare quarters preparing himself with sex toys from the replicator. 

Spock was already starting to breathe heavily as his gaze travelled up and down Jim’s body, stopping to fixate on Jim’s cock.  Jim could feel Spock’s pride and possessiveness in his mind.  _T’nash-veh_.  He flipped Jim over onto his stomach and crouched over him, his erection sliding against Jim’s ass and Jim whimpered with need. 

Spock placed his fingers on Jim’s psi points and the bond’s usual steady pulse flared open wider.  Jim could feel Spock’s devotion to him, his desire for his body, and his desperate _want_ for those feelings to be returned.  Jim sent back every ounce of love, every filthy craving.  He would not have Spock doubt him ever again.  Spock practically purred in response, his satisfaction taking the edge off his fever.  He ran his hand down Jim’s back, from his scalp to the crack of his ass.  Jim could sense his unordered mind was starting to focus down to a point.

Spock’s fingers kept travelling down his ass and then abruptly stopped.  He let out a growl and Jim grinned slyly.  “Find something, Spock?”  The butt plug that he inserted a couple of hours ago was pulled out without preamble and Jim yelped.  It wasn’t painful, but the sensation against the ring of muscle made him shiver.  Jim heard a clatter as it was tossed across the room.

Spock draped across his back and put his lips to Jim’s ear.  “Your actions were logical, but I find that I do not want _anything_ inside of you other than me.”

Jim wiggled his ass against Spock’s erection.  “You going to put your money where your mouth is?”

He knew that Spock was really far gone when he didn’t make some quip about money being unsanitary.  Frankly, Jim was himself only barely coherent.  He was desperate for Spock to get the hell on with it, he’d spent the past two days daydreaming about that double-ridged cock in his ass.  “Your wish is mine, _adun_ ,” Spock breathed roughly in his ear, and in one smooth thrust, he was fully seated inside Jim.

Jim sucked in a breath.  He was very, very glad he’d chosen one of the larger dildos, because Spock was big.  So, so big and Jim had never felt so filled or _ful_ filled in his life.  Spock began to pound into him, his arm circled around Jim’s torso possessively.  He was going fast and hard as he had warned Jim, but he was also kissing him all over his neck and shoulders, whispering words of affection.  He was also paying attention to Jim’s unspoken pleas and changed the angle of his thrusts until he found Jim’s prostate.  Soon Jim was shouting encouragement and praise to his brilliant, fantastic, wonderful Vulcan who was so effectively scratching the itch that he’d been suffering from for days.

His orgasm built higher and higher until he couldn’t take it anymore and he started to reach for his cock.  Spock could read him through the bond and growled, “T'nash-veh!” and pushed Jim’s hand aside.  He wrapped his own hand around Jim’s cock and soon they were both panting, their pleasure feeding back on each other until their orgasms were barreling down on them.  Jim came harder than he ever had in his life and Spock shouted at his own release, clutching Jim to him.

As they panted with fatigue, Spock reached for his hand, running his fingers along Jim’s.  Jim knew that this was only the first of many times they would mate over the next few days, but he already felt peace settle into Spock, a deep contentment that he now had everything he wanted – Jim, a career he loved, and finally a balance between his two heritages that he could be proud of.  Jim felt equally fulfilled – he had Spock, he had his ship, and he no longer felt adrift alone. 

*

When they finally emerged from the room, exhausted and very sated, they were met by both T’Mun and Bones, who examined them body and mind and declared them fit.  Bones informed them that they would be staying one more day on Vulcan at the invitation of Spock’s mother.  “We were having a chat and I happened to mention that Thanksgiving was imminent.  She’s from New Jersey and used to celebrate it when she lived on Earth, but obviously not since coming to Vulcan.  We sort of hatched up an idea of inviting a few folks over to your parents’ house for a celebratory feast.”  Jim grinned in delight.  He knew what Bones meant by a few folks – their inner circle – even though only half of them were from the U.S.

Spock and Jim stayed at Sarek’s house for the night, and the next morning they were helping to cook food.  When the others arrived – Scotty, Uhura, Checkov, Bones, and Sulu – Jim was so overwhelmed that he hugged each of them tightly.  He knew it was the residual emotional imbalance from the pon farr, but he didn’t care.  He loved these people.

When they were gathered around the table, Jim stood.  “I want to be the first to give thanks, if you don’t mind.  This particular holiday could not have come at a more apropos time in my life.  There has never been a time when I have been more thankful than I am now.  And so appreciative of what it took to get to this point.  It was only mere months ago that my life felt like it was in ashes.  And then like a phoenix, _you_ were reborn.”  He gazed at Spock.  “And our bond along with it. Stronger than ever before, and this time…. _finally_ …we did something about it.”  He smiled ruefully as everyone chuckled. 

Jim turned towards everyone else.  “I also want to say that I am thankful for my wonderful crew.  My _family_.  Without you I would not have Spock back.  I would not have the Enterprise back.  I know that there are other opportunities you could have pursued, and I am very thankful that you decided to come with me once again on this new journey.”  He lifted his glass.  “To families that are forged in fire and love.”

Everyone raised their glasses and gave their hearty agreement.  A few more folks gave their thanks, and then they all tucked into their meal.  Afterward, they gathered in the living room to chat and unwind.  Jim led Spock over to where Bones was next to the drinks cart indulging in some whiskey brought by Scotty.  “Bones, I’m surprised that you didn’t say one word to Amanda about serving candied yams instead of sweet potato casserole.”

Bones looked affronted.  “It would be extremely poor manners to criticize my hostess’s choice of Thanksgiving menu.”

Jim folded his arms.  “Is that so?  Because I recall one time you coming over to _my_ home for Thanksgiving dinner and turning my ears blue because I _dared_ serve sweet potatoes with marshmallows instead of a pecan topping.”

Bones waved his hand.  “Now you know the two don’t compare.  I would sooner cut off my right arm than hurt the feelings of a fine woman like Amanda.  You, on the other hand…you’re Jim.  You can take what I dish out.”

Jim laughed.  “You certainly weren’t taking what _I_ was dishing out.  I’ve never seen anyone more offended by marshmallows.”

Spock tilted his head.  “Marsh melons?  Is that the white substance that was covering the orange root vegetable?”

Bones pressed his lips together tightly for a moment before solemnly nodding.  “Yes, Spock.  That’s exactly it.  They’re usually cylindrical in shape, soft but solid.  Heat makes it melty and gooey.”

“Fascinating. I quite enjoyed the taste and texture, even though it had no nutritional value.  Are marsh melons used in any other dishes?”

Bones loudly cleared his throat as Jim bit his lip and attempted to keep his mirth from bleeding through the bond.  “They are most popular in camping.  Put ‘em on a stick and roast them over an open flame.  We should try it some time.”

Spock raised his eyebrows.  “Indeed.”

Bones gave a short nod and then turned away and marched over to where Sulu was standing, and began whispering to him.  Jim shook his head and looked back over at Spock, who was gazing at him, his eyes crinkled with mirth.  “You rebel Vulcan.  You were putting him on, weren’t you?”

Spock stepped closer to him so that their arms were flush.  “I did mishear the word at first, but quickly realized my mistake.  Leonard so enjoys feeling superior to me, I cannot help but indulge him on a day when I am feeling thankful for all I have.”

Jim captured his hand and brought it up to brush a light kiss across the knuckles.  “Isn’t thankfulness one of those illogical human emotions?”

“Jim, it stands to reason that my feelings about my illogical human mate and friends would also be illogical.  Every other aspect of my life I prefer to embrace the Vulcan way.”

“And for that I am thankful.  I love the part of you that is Vulcan, it is what makes us the perfect command team and the perfect mates.  But I am in love with the part of you that is human, and unabashedly so.  Your dual nature is…incredibly alluring.”  He gazed up at Spock, allowing his adoration to show. 

There was movement out of the corner of his eye, and Jim turned to see Amanda attempting to sneak past them to pour a glass of wine.  “Lady Amanda, I apologize, we’re blocking the drink cart.”

She grinned at him.  “I didn’t want to interrupt.”

Jim bowed his head.  “No, I’m glad you did.  I want to thank you for hosting us here, today.  It was the perfect ending to our week here.  It really meant a lot to me.  To all of us.”

Amanda blushed.  “It was my absolute pleasure.”

“Mother, I want to give thanks to you for something you did _not_ do.”  Spock’s gaze was warm on his mother.

Amanda raised her eyebrows, and Jim was delighted to see the resemblance.  “Do tell. Why would you be glad for something I didn’t do?”

“When I was still here on Vulcan recovering, I asked you what Jim and I were to each other.  You refused to tell me.  If you had told me the truth, I would not have continued to pursue the idea of us being bondmates.  We would have carried on as we did before my death.  While it is possible we would have eventually confessed our feelings to each other, it was not a guarantee.  So, thank you.”

Amanda put her palms together and brought them up to her face, pressing them to her lips as her eyes grew full of emotion.  She sniffled.  “Oh, Spock.  I knew that there was something very special between you.  I could not be the one responsible for giving that something a name.”

Spock nodded solemnly.  “If there is one good thing that came out of my death, and the temporary loss of my memories, it is that I saw everything with new eyes.  Unburdened by years of assumptions and excuses and fear, I saw us as we were meant to be.”  He looked at Jim, and the love shining out of his eyes was a sight to behold. “It may not have been a reality at that time, but it was an inevitability.  We are t’hy’la.  Always.”

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed my first old married spirk fic! I am such a sucker for fal-tor-pan. 
> 
> If you do tumblr, you can find me at spockfascinated.tumblr.com.


End file.
